Today was, again, tiring.

I think I'm just a tired person.

Narutaru proves to be sufficiently ... different ... when sober, yet still interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.

Had not one, but TWO Confrontations With Authority, today. Neither at work.

I have issues with authority, namely, I hate to be on the bad side of any authority I respect. It just kills me. So when a peer, or someone who's superior to me in whichever group I'm currently a part of (and online, there are many) criticizes me, I always emotionally beat myself up over it.

Even if they didn't mean it, and they don't have any issues with me, or what I've done ... just that whole tone of, "By the way, what you did and what we expected to get done were two different things," just makes me feel like I'm some kind of monumental screw up.

Bleah.

Maybe in a few days, the old pride will heal up, and I can limp back into #ecb and #topseekrit once more.

But I hate that feeling.

Especially when the person who's communicating to you never made it clear what they expected the first time around.

Now, as Leo has suggested, I'm gonna aim for eight hours of sleep.

Eight.

Mmm. Sleepriffic!

The last few days have been without sleep.

And in an altered state of mind. Due to lack of sleep, I imagine, but even after sleeping for twelve hours I feel oddly unrested.

Hmm. Maybe working out tonight wil help clear my head.

Must get back into habit of uptating. Working on the Motoko's Dilema ECB tomorrow night with Dracos.

Phear.

It's now late on a Saturday night. Or early on a sunday morning.

I bring you the following observations:

1.) My personal best at bowling is still 114. Today I got 110, but that's the closest I've come since.

2.) Vodka tastes like freaking RUBBING alcohol. I'm half convinced that someone put rubbing alcohol in this bottle.

3.) The temptation to set vodka on fire is to be resisted AT ALL COSTS.

Mmm.

That's really about it.

So, anyway. Wednesday: Got home. Lazed. Loafed. Went bowling (again).

Thursday: Went to Tarragon with Grandma for Thanksgiving dinner. Visited adoptive parents for Thanksgiving dinner. Loafed. Lazed.

Friday: Kanon. KANON. All day. Wuz good. Will review later, maybe.

Saturday: Patapata. All day. Wuz good. Will review later, maybe. DaCappo. Wuz okay. Will review later, probably not. Bowled. Drank some vodka, since I couldn't find any red wine.

I believe that last was a mistake. I'm going to need some ice cream to keep this stuff down. It's ... not that great. I think 3 oz may be too much.

But sweet JEBUS is this stuff potent. Shoulda had a red, but I didn't want to uncork something for just me.

In reality, I skipped blogging last night.

Thanks to the miracle of technicality, this is not the truth you see before you. Technically, I missed Sunday.

I mean Saturday.

Bah.

I've been pretty good about this for a while, but lately it's all been building up on me. So, in no particular order, I'm going to list the things that make me angry.

So, the FFML is driving me nuts. It's got almost no good commentary on it. I know about the whole "good old days" complex that causes people to believe that it was better back then when it was really just about the same, but in all honesty, the commentary and feedback seems to be a bit low, and lackluster these days. Now, I seem to remember there are (and have been) long periods of low posts, and this is probably just another, but coupled with the attitudes of a few specific people, (and folks, these are people who have never e-mailed me, nor have I ever e-mailed to them. It's not personal) I just find myself getting angry when I look at the FFML.

I don't know why, but I suspect it's because I want to ignore all but a small portion of the FFML, and have a safe-haven where I can go to post fanfics or C&C; in a smaller, more carefully picked group. There's tons of these, but the one I want isn't there anymore, and I've been holding out for it to come back. I'm waiting and waiting for the Refuge to return.

But it's not coming, and every day without it causes me to despise the FFML a little bit more, and the posts, as well.

I tell myself that this isn't me; I shouldn't be upset or annoyed, because, hey, almost every post has a redeeming value. Almost every post is going to help someone learn something.

And I should be neutral about things I don't care about them, not upset.

Yet, somehow....

Anyway. Someone told me that this feeling and attitude are completely normal for someone who's been writing as long as me. It was just short of saying, "Well, you were due to feel like this."

And I know it couldn't have been meant that way, but it just made me think about how much I fail to stand out and be anything in the way of a good person. I'm so undefined and completely lackluster that I hit every average and statistic on the nose. There's nothing impressive or, dare I say, special about me.

I have nothing to make me noticably different from anyone else, and I hate the fact that I lack anything unique.

I don't necessarily want to be better than anyone else, I just want to have something about me that's different in a positive way. I have nothing I excel at. There's nothing I'm spectacular with. I'm medicore in the world of fanfiction, which is a readership of (optimistically) 10,000 people, which would mean if I were lucky, some 10% of that read, or have read, what I write.

I think I'm just enraged at my ability to leave a mark on the world.

I keep telling myself this is self improvement, but I get the feeling that all I'm doing it making myself a perfect nobody, and I don't think I'm happy with that idea. It's like I'm commiting personality suicide.

There's my specialness: I doubt anyone has the capacity to hate themselves as much as I do.

If you go by sleep-cycles....

Anyway.

So I did one thing today. All day.

I watched Sister Princess. I did not, as I had originally planned, touch Sky Gunner or SSX 3, or ... any of the other games vying to get out of my 'to- play' list and into the increasingly more exclusive 'been-played' list.

'Cause, see, I've beaten Dream Hearts, but not with 100% completion.

And then, I haven't even opened Warship Gunner, or....

You get the idea.

I think I'm going to stave off aquiring any new games for a bit. I'd like to get one good game for the PC, but I might end up waiting for Fallout 2. I'll let myself pick up another game or three for the GBA (sp).

But, really, beyond that, I've got enough on my plate. Especially since my little brother gave me a copy of Arc the Lad. Days after I sold my own copy for trade-in value.

Grr.

I think I like bowling.

Anyway. Scrapped Princess.

It was a fun anime that hit along the path of so many cliches, but only actually followed through on some of them. They also managed to completely exclude a character archetype or three. The lercherous (whatever) was notably absent. Nor was there any sign of the sulking bishonen who switches from the bad guys to the good guys just in time to turn the tables in the critical final battle. Exposition was given at a rate that made sense, and let you really feel for the characters.

Generally speaking, you know as much about the show as every character in it at a given moment. You suspect there's more, but rather than having the villanous asides filled with obscure references to the next plan, or the ultimate plan, or anything else, it's all spelled out. You know from episode one that the whole point is that the Scrapped Princess is supposedly going to destroy the world.

You don't know why, or how. But they don't give her an obscure mystical title, and only reveal her purpose in episode 16, so she can angst and wallow in self-pity until episode 17 (18 if you've got bishonen to add backstory), which is just in time for a fanservice episode (pre ep 20) before begining the final story arc, whereupon the tables are turned again.

The anime carries itself in such a way that what you don't know, no one in the show cares about. And neither do you, because it doesn't really matter, and if it does, you'll know. Well, thinking back, there are perhaps a few minor exceptions to this, which felt more in line as 'good storytelling' instead of 'cheap gimmick to create false dramatic tension'.

It takes itself seriously, in many senses. No Slayers-style comedy here (I liked Slayers, but this anime managed to establish itself as 'good' without needing to cash in on its style), actions have consequences. Come to think of it, you never even see exaggerated features, face-faults, or chibi-versions of anyone running around. Unless you count Soopy-kun. Which I don't.

It still has humor, it just tends to be on a level that maintains a degree of sophistication.

There's no slew of unexpected or gratuitous powerups (for the good guys).

There's nothing I can really point out that I'd like to improve or change, honestly. I don't think it was perfect, but at the same time, I can't point at any flaws. Maybe I'm sleepy.

Anyway, while it was not the best anime I ever saw, it was enjoyable. I had fun.

"I liked it. It was much better than 'Cats'. I am going to see it. Again and again."

Gotta wake up in five hours for work....