In reality, I skipped blogging last night.

Thanks to the miracle of technicality, this is not the truth you see before you. Technically, I missed Sunday.

I mean Saturday.

Bah.

I've been pretty good about this for a while, but lately it's all been building up on me. So, in no particular order, I'm going to list the things that make me angry.

So, the FFML is driving me nuts. It's got almost no good commentary on it. I know about the whole "good old days" complex that causes people to believe that it was better back then when it was really just about the same, but in all honesty, the commentary and feedback seems to be a bit low, and lackluster these days. Now, I seem to remember there are (and have been) long periods of low posts, and this is probably just another, but coupled with the attitudes of a few specific people, (and folks, these are people who have never e-mailed me, nor have I ever e-mailed to them. It's not personal) I just find myself getting angry when I look at the FFML.

I don't know why, but I suspect it's because I want to ignore all but a small portion of the FFML, and have a safe-haven where I can go to post fanfics or C&C; in a smaller, more carefully picked group. There's tons of these, but the one I want isn't there anymore, and I've been holding out for it to come back. I'm waiting and waiting for the Refuge to return.

But it's not coming, and every day without it causes me to despise the FFML a little bit more, and the posts, as well.

I tell myself that this isn't me; I shouldn't be upset or annoyed, because, hey, almost every post has a redeeming value. Almost every post is going to help someone learn something.

And I should be neutral about things I don't care about them, not upset.

Yet, somehow....

Anyway. Someone told me that this feeling and attitude are completely normal for someone who's been writing as long as me. It was just short of saying, "Well, you were due to feel like this."

And I know it couldn't have been meant that way, but it just made me think about how much I fail to stand out and be anything in the way of a good person. I'm so undefined and completely lackluster that I hit every average and statistic on the nose. There's nothing impressive or, dare I say, special about me.

I have nothing to make me noticably different from anyone else, and I hate the fact that I lack anything unique.

I don't necessarily want to be better than anyone else, I just want to have something about me that's different in a positive way. I have nothing I excel at. There's nothing I'm spectacular with. I'm medicore in the world of fanfiction, which is a readership of (optimistically) 10,000 people, which would mean if I were lucky, some 10% of that read, or have read, what I write.

I think I'm just enraged at my ability to leave a mark on the world.

I keep telling myself this is self improvement, but I get the feeling that all I'm doing it making myself a perfect nobody, and I don't think I'm happy with that idea. It's like I'm commiting personality suicide.

There's my specialness: I doubt anyone has the capacity to hate themselves as much as I do.