So.

I go through these bouts. Depression, moodiness, etc. It all boils down into the simple fact that no one likes to feel stupid.

So when I feel stupid, I get upset, because I want to run from the shame, etc. But I can't blame someone else for being smarter than me, so who do I get angry at? Myself, of course.

I think, when I study this, I realize that I'm upset that I'm not smarter than everyone else, which when I actually stop to consider ... is really stupid. But that's how it is, I guess. Realizing this makes it easier to ignore, so that's a positive. Huh.

At any rate. This problem is sybiotic with my whiny attitude and constant clamoring for attention. So, my destructive tendancies drive me to do things like cut my arm with a box-cutter. 'Oh, how horrible,' you think. But it's not. See, I'm such a wuss I'm hardly even cutting myself. It's just a tiny scratch from someone who's too afraid of pain to even decently damage themselves.

And, anyway, offering sympathy for something that stupid only encourages the self-destructive cycle.

I wish my psyche couldn't be boiled down to that few lines. Then again, maybe it's better for me that I'm such a simple person; I'm easier for me to understand.

In later news.

I soloed Baal last night.

It cost me fifty cents.

Before you ask how, let me explain my Jar of Shame.

Which is rapidly consuming my laundry money.

Since I have (as it turns out) weak willpower, and not-so-impressive self control, I charge myself fifty cents for each swear-word I use (I don't count 'jebus' or 'crikey'), and put them in my prominently displayed jar of Planter's Shame.

I think, since Monday or Tuesday, I've built up nearly ten dollars.

And now you want to know why I've decided swearing is bad. No, really, you want to know how the heck the Vatican got ahold of an AI, and what they were doing with it.

Too bad for you I'm answering a different question.

Basically, I've found that I swear. A lot. Never in situations with people I think I shouldn't around (never with family, customers, etc). However, I do it without thinking, and that's not such a positive thing.

Aside from which, if I can beat this, I'll get something like a +5 points to WILL, and that gives me that much a better chance at taking half damage from EGO attacks.