# Sympathy

## A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction

### Epilogue -- A Power No One Can Contain

Disclaimer: The novel series of Suzumiya Haruhi that began with 'The
Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No
disrespect is intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own the
characters or settings involved. I'm merely dabbling with another set of
paints.

* * *

Kyon said I'd remember everything if I took the hand of that other copy of me.
He also said we were the same person. And both an alternate dimension version
of me _and_ a time traveler.

Somehow, after our hands touched and everything went dark, he was right,
though. I remembered everything from our time together -- the good and the bad
-- right up until Kyon's irritation and my frustration met head-on.

But-- I _also_ remember being a weaker, less capable version of me, going
through a much crappier and _weirder_ take on my first few months of high
school. Setting that all aside, it's kind of painful actually, remembering
everything she--

No.... Everything _I_ did, there.

She was _me_.

Still -- why were things harder for me? Why did so much just not go my way
that time around? Why was _Kyon_ so much more adept at things that time?

...the answer is pretty obvious, once I put everything together and take my
last clear memory in the, I guess, original timeline into consideration.
Specifically, what he said when I was in the clubroom with him. Once I take
that into account, it's pretty damn obvious.

So ... he went through _that_? And ... I had some crazy _power_? Evidently I
accidentally gave it to him--

I am really, really pissed off at this; there's so much just wrong and messed
up about this entire situation! I thought Kyon was kind of a nice guy -- but I
slip up and give him a chance, and he pulls _this_ on me?

My eyes fly open and I realize I must have fallen or tipped over after me
and.... After I took my own hand, I guess. Kyon must have caught me; I guess
it took a while for me to sort everything out. So there I am, cradled in his
arms and looking up at him. And now, what, now he thinks he can take advantage
of me?

What a _bastard_!

"So ... you thought it was funny to watch me the entire time, remembering
everything and playing dumb?" I growl at him.

Well -- _fine_ then! Before he has a chance to answer me, since his arms are
still supporting me, he has no ability to protect himself when I swing my arm
toward him. The angle's not that great, considering where I'm held, and I
don't have that much practice hitting people, so I can't put much force into
it -- but I slap him across the face hard enough my palm stings a little.

He grunts slightly in surprise, and his head turns with the blow -- not even
_close_ to what he'd hit Asakura with -- without dropping me. After that, he
slumps in resignation, like I just burst a seal and let the air out of him. He
stands there almost listlessly, only supporting me in his arms, his face
turned slightly away.

"No," he says, his voice a little rough. "I didn't.... What Asakura did
tripped a ... failsafe. I didn't ... think about that part specifically, but I
didn't want you to be hurt, so my memories came back to me right before then
so that I could...." He trails off, just looking the same way, not meeting my
eyes.

That catches me-- So, he didn't play with the powers he had at all? He set up
that stupid stunt ... but then put himself into it, too?

It's pretty much impossible to be mad at Kyon when I think he's already mad at
_himself_. It seems pretty clear that events went way past what he expected.
Looking at things more critically, it wasn't that I thought Kyon was 'kind of
a nice guy.' Going through it twice.... Well, I know what I feel now; that
second start, it didn't get a _whole_ lot further than a crush ... but it was
absolutely headed in that direction.

I'd be lying to myself at this point if I claimed I didn't know how I felt,
and I've just been through _way_ too much to keep that up.

If there's symmetry between our situations, then I know exactly _why_ he's so
upset with himself. And I think ... I would be, too. Hell, if he went through
that same crap.... And then, at the end of last Spring, didn't he _try_ to
tell me? And what did I do?

Cursed him out and made him pay for the bill.

No _wonder_ he didn't press harder afterwards!

I move my hand toward his head again, and his eyes shut, but he doesn't even
try and flinch away.

...I can't hit him. I shouldn't have hit him the _first_ time-- Stupid knee-
jerk reaction! So -- a power that makes your desires reality? And what did I
really want, anyway? To understand him better -- to think he'd learn to
understand _me_ better!

And then when I get that, the first moment I get a chance to face him
afterward, I blow it all by _slapping_ him? Really smooth, Suzumiya.

I don't like to screw up-- No one does.

No way in _hell_ am I going to do it twice in a row!

With his eyes closed, he doesn't react when my hand slows, tracing across the
side of his head before I reach up a little further and grab the back of his
head, my fingers going through his hair. Considering what he was expecting,
he's totally bewildered when I pull him in for a kiss.

This time the clumsy guy _does_ drop me -- or would if I weren't hanging onto
him by that point. That doesn't stop me from pressing my lips against his,
though, and judging by the surprised sound he makes, and him belatedly putting
his arms around me, I got _that_ part spot on.

So ... sorry about that, Kyon. That feels right, somehow-- Or at least
_better_. And it's not like he doesn't kiss me _back_, so I don't think things
have gotten to a point where we can't fix them.

When I let him come up for air, his face is red -- except for the
discoloration where I slapped him. I regret that. He might have deserved it a
_little_, but probably not that much.

Still-- I cough and step away after recovering my footing. There's a hell of a
lot going on right now, and as much fun as it might be, trying to go straight
into make-outs after that.... Really, we need to talk.

"S...so," I say, turning around, looking about the clubroom. Outside it's dim,
and there's no sign of other people. Now that I think about it, there's no
real visible source of light, just kind of a general illumination all around
us.

"So-- What's going on with the world, then?"

"Uh," Kyon manages, sounding as unbalanced as I think he ought to. "Um.
Thi...this is a kind of ... a halfway point between our world, and the one I
made when ... I was...."

Man, Kyon -- sometimes you're just impossible. You get an amazing power and
use it to, what, give yourself the most epic guilt trip in the history of
amazing things?

"So, those are two separate worlds? How can that make sense, if both me and
you were also in both of them?" I press. "The Yuki that showed up to fight
Asakura-- She's not from our original world?"

"I.... I didn't really think everything out," Kyon says slowly. "But ... I
guess you don't _have_ to with this power. It just didn't do things I didn't
want ... so, I didn't want to destroy or erase a world. It made a new one, and
both of us got moved over to it, with our memories reset.... Everyone....
Everyone else is a copy, based on a divergence in the past of our old world,
and not ... the people we actually know."

"So, you're telling me that Mikuru _isn't_ some terrifying manipulative
bitch?" I ask warily, unable to tack on a '-chan' for the time traveler after
seeing that horrible other version of her.

He cringes at that. "I.... I don't think so," he mumbles. "Koizumi once said
she might be ... to try and manipulate me to...." He trails off, but I follow
the implications _really_ well by this point!

There's just so much to go over here, though!

"And Koizumi-kun, then? I'm guessing it was the same deal, since you wanted
our situations swapped?"

"He.... Kind of," Kyon says morosely, still looking completely off-balance. At
least that kiss seems to have cleared _some_ of his depression. And I can't
say it didn't make me feel a little better, too. "The whole plan was to help
you settle and calm down, and he ... uh, he really spent a lot of time trying
to push me to spend more time with you...."

I can follow _that_ implication, too. "Well, forget about _that_-- We can make
that decision on our _own_," I tell him.

He shakes slightly, eyes widening. It's _kind_ of nice to see him off-balance,
but too much is too much.

"I don't even know where to begin, but we need to talk about this," I say,
taking Kyon's hand and pulling him to the table. He doesn't resist, and as
anxious and confused as I am by this, I pace back and forth on the other side
of the table from him once he's seated.

Even though I still want to hit Kyon with a barrage of questions, I can't help
but think about another time we were in this room, when the lighting was
similar. I'm tempted to order Kyon to make tea again, but for one thing, his
tea tastes awful, and for another-- There's a solution, though!

"Stay there," I order, waving a hand at him and moving to the tea set myself.
There's water already, so I keep myself busy with that. Where do we even start
to deal with this? Wait! I think I know what I need to hear.

"Kyon, tell me about everything-- From the beginning," I order, setting a cup
of tea in front of him and then taking the seat opposite from him. "And ... be
as honest as you always tried to be since that one day, before....
A...anyway-- It's pretty clear I don't _really_ know the other members of my
Brigade, so ... tell me about them? If they're better than the versions I
found here...."

"O...okay," Kyon says. He shakes his head and offers a really weak, somewhat
rueful smile. "I ... used to think about how I'd tell you these things a lot,
kind of writing a story in my head, really. Um, so, from the very beginning,
for me.... Alright, please bear with me -- there's rather a lot to tell."

I give him a solid nod of confirmation, setting my own teacup down.

He clears his throat, and seems to recover a tiny bit of lost confidence as he
starts, a bit further back than I expected: "When did I stop believing in
Santa Claus? In truth, this sort of silly question holds no real significance
for me. However...."

* * *

Kyon's story takes a surprising amount of time to tell. When it gets too
heavy, I waste some time keeping our tea refreshed. We break a few times to
use the washroom down the hall.

When we get hungry, there's a stack of boxed lunches and small cartons of milk
in the fridge that reappear every time the door is closed -- they were
probably pretty good, but I was processing _way_ too much to really taste
them. We don't get tired at all, which right now is just fine by me.

Some of it ... I'll probably need _days_ to entirely figure out. Mostly, I
listen to how he went through meeting the other Brigade members. I'm really
glad he's being totally honest, but he is _not_ making it easy for me to keep
from disliking the face I saw on Mikuru in the alternate world. Especially
that part about her opening her shirt to show him that mole, or how her older
self _was_ as manipulative (to her younger self, no less!) as I suspected
based on the alternate one--

Anyway, I keep it together, and don't say anything except to ask questions. It
probably goes without saying that the hardest part of the explanation to deal
with is filming that movie.... Ugh.

After that, and everything _else_ going on with Mikuru, I'm pretty sure I'm
done with the entire idea of a sequel.

Some of it's not that scary -- it sounds like somewhere in there, he had some
fun, too. I can't feel _totally_ awful about the things I did with my power
... when I had it. I don't feel _great_, but at least having had to go through
the first part of something similar, I can understand where he's coming from.

...I guess, in a way, that power really did give me exactly what I wanted,
didn't it? And with Kyon acting like this instead of being his typical snarky
self, it's pretty clear he's at least _trying_ to understand me better, too.
Though ... being honest ... he really doesn't do that poor a job of it. It's a
bit embarassing, listening to his insights into _me_ from back then.

I'm kind of ticked off he didn't tell me right away when he time traveled, but
I understand his reasons. At this point, him telling me he was John Smith is
just a tiny surprise on the huge pile. But -- it really _does_ make sense.

I feel about as depressed as he sounds when he tells me about an alternate
world from December -- the one _before_ the one he made ... just for me, I
guess. I'm not sure how _I_ like the implication of erasing entire _worlds_. I
wanted more out of summer vacation, but _that_ much?

That's ... just too much to deal with, though, so I set it aside for later. We
have all the time we need to sort things out, here, so we might as well do
that -- one thing at a time.

The whole story does give me a good idea of how he's feeling about what _he_
did, though. Even if it was in one of those extraordinarily rare fits of
temper that Kyon almost never actually gets....

That's not my _entire_ takeaway. I do catch the way he doesn't _quite_ admit
it directly, but he does explain his reasons for coming back from that world.
It gets a bit more obvious when he admits he flirted with me near last
Valentine's day -- like I missed that! -- but after that kiss, I think I'd
probably be pretty upset with him if he didn't admit _something_.

It's actually kind of amazing, reading between the lines, how he admits that
he was attracted to me physically ... but then put effort into learning who I
really was. Being honest, I _always_ liked that he actually put effort into
getting to know me. Now, I would be annoyed if he just liked my looks, but
what girl doesn't want to be told she's pretty by the guy she likes?
Especially when he follows it up with how much he learned and....

Yeah, I know I've got some rough spots, but his throwaway comment that he
thinks I'd be 'just as lovely as Asahina-san if I could smile more gently' --
it may sound kind of backhanded, but the honest way he says it and the glint
in his eyes makes my knees a little weak. It also means that if I show him a
gentler smile once in a while, I probably don't need to worry about Mikuru
manipulating him....

Give the boy some credit -- he can be surprisingly-- Er, but--

That's all getting distracted, and as much fun as it might be, there _are_
bigger issues looming. He's more vague when he gets to the end, about the
thing that made him angry at his middle-school friend's associates, but given
everything else, I can see plenty of reasons to let that slide.

Once he finishes, his voice a little rough, he reaches for his cup of tea.

"Well, it's a pretty screwed up way of doing things, but I'll take it over
being asked out over the phone," I decide. "Um ... and ... sorry about
smacking you," I manage, trying to smile. I mean, Kyon's an easy-going guy ...
is it alright? "I wish I hadn't, so.... I really am sorry.

"I mean, I want to have fun, and I want adventures -- but ... it sounds like
in the past, I've caused a _lot_ of damage by being careless. Such a power ...
no matter how much fun it is, it's _not_ a toy, is it?" I realize aloud. "If
we can set things right.... Saving the world by overloading it with fun is
great -- but some of the things that I put you through without realizing it
are _terrifying_ -- and I didn't much enjoy the parts I went through myself!

"So ... I think I'm glad I never realized what I could do with that power.
I've done enough harm on accident, if I had learned about my power and used it
irresponsibly...." He starts at that, eyes widening, and I try my best to give
him a hopeful smile. I think if anyone could be trusted with that power,
knowing what it could do, it'd be him, honestly.

"T...that's the smile," he starts, before cutting off. He looks a tiny bit
abashed -- absolutely, he's recovering from things. And that's a reassurance
to me, too. If I don't really know the Brigade that well, at least I can
believe that I really _do_ know Kyon. Much better now than before we got into
that stupid argument that eventually brought us here, too.

"Okay," he says, after a breath, giving me one of his rare, knee-wobbling
smiles. Guess that's a two-way street, too! "I think.... I think that right
there proves that you're the one who should have these powers, not me."

I bite my tongue at that; personally, I've come to the conclusion that ...
really, unless it's someone who just doesn't care about other people at
all.... Well, I don't say anything, because if what he's doing is what I
_think_ he's doing, this would be a terrible time to distract him.

He doesn't say anything or make a gesture beyond bowing his head slightly.
"Haruhi ... thank you for being so reasonable about all of this. And I really
_am_ sorry...." Then, he looks a little off balance, putting his hands on the
table.

At the same time, I feel a tingling in the back of my head and become a bit
dizzy myself. I _also_ feel like my senses just got a bit sharper. Seems
reasonable, though; the power comes with some fringe benefits.

"I can't ... quite like that I only _really_ did so much better because I had
an unfair advantage," I say slowly. "And I'm not trying to say you're wrong,
but seeing things now ... this isn't a good power at all, really. It's just
... too dangerous. Even with the best of intentions-- I've figured out
something about this."

"W...what?" Kyon asks, shaking his head, looking concerned.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," I assure him, trying that smile again--
He settles almost instantly. Yeah ... stupid power. I bet without it clearing
so many obstacles from my path, I would have learned that all it _really_ took
to reach him was just being freaking _nice_ about things much sooner! Come to
think of it -- that's exactly what I was starting to realize just before
running into Asakura.

Ugh!

"O...okay, then what did you figure out?" he asks, breaking me out of my
distraction.

"This kind of power needs to be handled carefully," I say slowly. I'm not ...
_really_ sure how to consciously control it, but I figure it does what I want.
And what I want most of all right now is to _not_ screw up and use it on
accident, or let my subconscious do something really stupid with it. "And ...
even if you were pissed off and had a knee-jerk reaction, I learned something
important. Actually, a _lot_ of important things.

"The big thing about this power is ... I don't believe that, no matter what
someone intends, that _anyone_ should have this power."

His eyes widen, and he looks nervous, uncertain. "Y...you're going to get rid
of it?" he asks in surprise.

"Dummy," I chastize him. "I think both of us have been careless with our
power, and there's some things we still need to fix with what we've done-- But
that's aside from the point.

"One other thing about this power that's bothering me is ... the fringe
benefits alone make it really ... well, unfair! I...if we're going to start
going out," and then I fix him with a sharp, challenging look, because as far
as I can tell, we _are_, "how the hell would that work as a relationship if
the one who held the power was just always automatically _better_ at things?"

He doesn't say anything, but I can tell from his face he's had thoughts like
that of his own. It wasn't like I particularly enjoyed those memories of the
alternate world where I had to slave away just to keep up with Kyon. Even from
his story, there were tiny hints of things I could easily see leading to
resentment for how hard _he_ had to work ... and couldn't keep up at all. If
he weren't so much of an easy-going slacker....

But even that has finite limits!

Anyway, talk about stealing all of the meaning from trying to impress him --
or anything _else_ I ever tried! It's nice to win, and it's great to be good
at the game -- but if you're always going to win no matter what just because
of who you are, why bother? Looking at it that way, the fight Kyon put up the
entire time I've known him ... honestly ... makes me feel like my connection
with him is one of the very few things I really _earned_.

"Anyway, the other thing about this is, for all that we want to try and fix
things up with the Brigade, how can I really get to know them, when they're
worried about what I might do with it? There has to be a limiter or failsafe
-- and both of us, I think want to go undo some other damage we might have
done, too."

I can't help but think about what he said about erasing that other world to be
with me, or his mumbled, guilty mention of nightmares about it. Then again,
there's some things _I_ did I'm not happy about. We may not be able to change
what happened, according to Kyon's understanding of time travel, but we can at
least work together to make sure nothing else goes wrong.

Right?

"I-- I trust you, though," he answers, shaking his head. "I know you don't
want ... bad things to happen--"

"But they did anyway!" I cut him off. "You know what path they say is paved
with good intentions! Really, I should be happy that things weren't _worse_!
No, the thing about this is ... no _one_ should have this power."

He blinks at me, and I finish figuring out what the best answer is. What I
_really_ want. Sympathy? Symmetry? If there's going to be any kind of balance
between us, he needs to be on some kind of equal footing, right?

"So-- For us to fix things ... from now on, it's going to be _our_ power, and
we'll work together to use it-- And if we don't agree, then nothing will
happen." I feel a much milder sense of dizziness and tingling as the power
does exactly what I want, and I can see from his slight wobble that it must
have worked for him, too.

He looks astounded, and I can't help but grin. There's a lot of work left,
probably -- and we've got to talk about a hell of a lot more, as well. But
this feels like a good start!

...right up until I realize I'm suddenly sitting in his lap, anyway. "Eh," I
manage.

He looks incredibly embarrassed, suddenly, and turns his head away, his face
reddening. That, that-- That insufferable--

...okay. Calm down, Suzumiya! Admit to yourself that you wanted it too, or it
wouldn't have happened! That _is_ what I decided we should do, right?

And it's not like we haven't kissed -- twice before -- anyway.

"Obviously, we're going to need some practice," I add as dryly as I can,
imitating him even as my own face warms up.

Hey, thinking about those kisses-- He started one, I started the other....
Third time's the charm, right?

So I let my eyes drift shut and tilt my face up, feeling that smile come to my
lips -- before his touch mine. Yeah, I thought he might have the same idea;
the others were already pretty good, but a mutual kiss is better by far.

After a few minutes of that, we both break off for air. Even if it's just the
two of us in the room, both of us blush, and I climb off his lap the old-
fashioned way.

"T...that was a whole lot of fun," I say, unable to stop grinning, "but let's
not get _too_ distracted just yet!"

"Y...yeah," Kyon agrees, sounding somewhat dazed still. "U...um, we should go
back to the others, and ... figure out how we're going to sort things out from
here."

Even if I screwed up and blew her off, Yuki's probably our best friend in the
Brigade. At least, the most honest one. From what I can tell, I want to learn
more about her and see if I can really be her friend, too -- like Kyon is!
Hey, he got to be friends with an alien, right? How cool is that!

I don't know about Koizumi-kun, but I'd like to know who _he_ really is, too.
At least, I can't like that he shows us a facade; if he wants to be our
friend, well.... I guess we need to be able to show him he can _be_ honest
with us -- maybe just _me_, really. How else will we get to know him?

And ... Mikuru. Mikuru's _absolutely_ getting her personal space from me, from
now on-- I want to learn more about who _our_ Mikuru really is, just like the
others. With her, though.... With her it's probably going to be hard to be
_friends_, considering that even Kyon admits it's hard to trust her future
self.

Thinking of what her older self told Kyon, I guess she doesn't hang around us
much in the future. I'm not really thrilled with the prospects, but if we can
part on good terms, that'll be good, at least. I can't be happy about
predetermination suggesting we don't part on good terms....

On the idea of timelines, I'm not thrilled about the idea of talking with
Mikuru so soon ... but running from that won't get us anywhere. It'd be
unreasonable not to try and give her the same chance that I want to give
Koizumi-kun and Yuki, anyway.

"We'll go back," I agree. "And we'll fix things up with the rest of the
Brigade-- Maybe tell their bosses to screw off, too!"

"That's fine by me," he agrees, looking _really_ reassured for the first time
since before this whole thing started.

Still -- after all we've been through, for just a _bit_ before we return and
confuse the hell out of everyone with this new situation.... I haven't moved
_that_ far from him anyway, so I lean in again. Kyon's kiss is a bit more
energetic, and I'm not going to complain about that too much as his arms go
around me and--

Well!

Anyway-- Once we finish catching our breath, I look into Kyon's eyes and
smile, allowing a final, "Together."

* * *

Author's notes: Special thanks to everyone on Soulriders who helped with their
feedback! :)