# Later -- Chapter Three

## A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya
Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No
disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

Clearing my throat at Haruhi's expectant stare, I refill my teacup and explain
carefully, "I spent time running away, Haruhi. And not much else. I think I
went a little crazy for a while ... to be honest, as a person who writes
poems, I don't know that I consider myself an 'artist' -- but if there were a
'starving artist' phase of my life that would have been it. You want to know
how I met up with Tsuruya-san and Nagato, right?"

"Well, yeah," Haruhi says, frowning. After a moment she takes an orange slice
from the platter in the middle of the table and nibbles on it thoughtfully.
"You mean, Yuki didn't find you right away?"

"It turns out that I caused Nagato quite some problems with her family," I
say, which is truthful in many senses.

She nods at me in return, giving me a sad smile. "I remember she always went
to you with her family problems," she agrees. "Unless I miss my guess, Yuki's
family isn't very tolerant.... Is that right? You already mentioned they cut
her off."

That doesn't sound unreasonable. "Absolutely correct," I agree. "I've never
met her family directly, except for some distant relations who happened to be
nearby. All the same, I'm just as happy not seeing them anymore, and so is
Nagato."

She looks somewhat more satisfied with herself for reaching an accurate
conclusion, but also unhappy for Nagato. "Well ... that explains a bit."

"Ah ... so, I was running away and generally causing troubles for people.
During that time, since you let her know I was in trouble, Nagato was doing
her best to watch out for me. Her family didn't really see the point of her
spending that kind of time away from her studies, so.... Well, ultimately what
happened between her and her family was my fault."

"How could that be?" Haruhi asks me, somewhat doubtfully. "Your fault?"

"If I'd been more responsible and thoughtful about how I handled things,
well...." I shrug. "But those choices have already been made and taken root.
Really, that was what returned me to sanity, more than anything else.... One
day, I was senselessly causing trouble, like I always did at that time, and
Nagato wanted to help me -- but didn't know how.

"That was near Kyoudai. Tsuruya-san wanted to know what was happening with the
pair of us, since...." I leave it at that and shrug, uncertain of how Tsuruya
and Haruhi patched up their differences. "Anyway, as a sort of formal
'goodbye,' Nagato's family gave her this property and left her on her own, but
she hadn't learned how to manage it, yet.

"Tsuruya-san spotted the pair of us and helped slap some sense into me --
though she got the idea I wanted to learn about plants...." I shrug at that,
refilling Haruhi's tea yet again.... I suppose she must be very thirsty.
"Anyway. Having failed at getting into college, I agreed to her offer to work
at her estate as an assistant gardener for the venerable Hakase-sensei."

"Your teacher, I'm guessing?" Haruhi asks, shaking her head.

"Yeah.... Now, what's that look for?"

Haruhi's curious frown deepens to a look of intent concentration. "You know,
that's really a load of crap," she warns me. "I know now that I was asking for
too much -- but that doesn't actually change the facts! Do you know what the
admission rate for Toudai is?"

"Koizumi told me something about that," I acknowledge. He was the one coming
down to give me updated study guides and reminders about admission guidelines
when Haruhi wasn't able to come, after all. And considering he had access to
more money, that ended up being more often than her, too. I try and ignore the
strange void when I think back to Koizumi and realize more than just being
back there in the past, he's actually _gone_....

"Something like, ten percent of students who go to Toudai fail their first
exam?" I hazard. That seemed right. I tried not to obsess about it, but as
much as Koizumi reminded me, that tidbit stuck.

"What? No, much higher than that!" she protests, looking at me with a frown.
"A _lot_ of people don't get in their first year -- and most of them never
have the courage to retry!"

"I suppose.... Well, numbers aren't my strong suit." Glancing at the clock, I
add, "That's why Kin-chan's downstairs going over his homework with Nagato,
instead of me."

"So ... your first year, you were four hundred and twelve points short of
admission," Haruhi notes.

Why do we have to go over this again? I suppose it's my due, having upset
her.... It doesn't make it fun, though. "And the second year, I was eighty six
short. What are you getting at?"

"That was an improvement of over three hundred points!" she protests. "You
only needed to bring your score up another ninety or so, and then...." She
sighs, staring into her teacup. "It probably seems to you that I can't let go
of that ... but more it's that I can't believe you really thought you were
going to fail."

She looks me in the eyes then, and I can see that she's still conflicted about
this internally -- there's something more, somehow, unvoiced. Her gaze
flicking away, she explains, her voice slightly thick, "I can accept that you
didn't want to go to Toudai ... but never that you weren't good enough."

Hadn't we been over this, though?

Well.... According to what Koizumi told me, she's right; if I had taken the
test, one way or another, I would have passed.

"I'm not sure how to answer that," I tell her truthfully.

"I just...." She hesitates. "I thought your first book was ... well, what you
called it -- depressing. It was full of sad things, all about things that had
gotten lost...."

"Yeah," I agree, frowning. "Um ... that was working out ... what happened to
me while I was running. While I was in training."

"Training? Like, at a private academy?" she asks, surprised.

"Sort of," I agree. "I actually do have a certification -- it was a kind of
apprenticeship, too. Um ... at Hakase-sensei's suggestion, Tsuruya-san had me
go to Kurama-dera -- so instead of anything like a standard admissions test, I
just took a referral from him. I stayed at the temple there for two weeks at a
time, learning _Sakuteiki_ and other ancient books -- all about the history
and culture of garden maintenance. After that, I'd come back and spend one
week with Hakase-sensei studying the practical applications."

Haruhi gasps in subdued delight. "Kyon -- you've worked the landscaping of a
national treasure? That's amazing!"

"And you've starred in movies," I counter. "No one will remember a gardener
who trained in a mountain temple for a handful of months, hardly -- not
compared to how many people will remember 'Jade Pearl' as played by Suzumiya
Haruhi."

She giggles, though the amusement in her eyes fades....

"That's it, though?" she asks, tilting her head to one side. "How did
publishing your books come into the picture?"

"Ah ... well, actually, that's an interesting story," I acknowledge. "Wanting
to help, Tsuruya-san found a retired bookstore owner who was familiar with the
business to show Nagato the ropes. Nanase-san was more than just a retired
bookstore owner, though; she was an editor as well.... So Nagato and Nanase-
san became friends, and Nanase-san suggested that Nagato might enjoy editing
and publishing more than managing a bookstore.

"After that, Nagato was only challenged by a lack of content to edit, so she
turned to me. I had started writing haiku during my training at Kurama-dera,
and it was either that, or trying to make some kind of official published
study guide out of my notes. If I'd known when I began that it would be
published, I never would have started out with those first poems."

"I see," Haruhi remarks, giving me a strange look. "I guess that makes
sense.... And really, that's even better, because it means things started to
get better for you even before I saw _Withering Vines_.... I have to ask a
question of you, Kyon. I've been trying to figure this out but -- you're
still.... You and Yuki are really only just friends?"

I can't help but wonder if she's comparing Nagato and I living together with
her and Koizumi. Does she think maybe that she did something wrong by ending
up dating him?

Or maybe that I did, by not dating Nagato?

"Losing her family left Nagato very alone," I say carefully, thinking about
how difficult things were for her back then. There's a knock at the door
before I can continue, so I shake my head, dismissing my explanation for a
moment.

I am expecting Kintaro, so the presence of my sister surprises me for a
moment. She grins up at me and bustles in without waiting to be invited,
already eagerly launching into one of her energetic rants. "So! Kin-chan's
downstairs with Yuki-nee, and you're all up here by yourself--" Her tirade
cuts off with an astounded squeak as she sees Haruhi, her eyes wide and round
with wonder.

"At any rate," I tell Haruhi, smiling, "if you want an answer, in all honesty
I do care for Nagato a lot -- I love her like the sister I never had."

"Hey!" my sibling protests, launching a teasing jab at my side. "I _am_ your
sister, you jerk!"

"I know, but wouldn't it have been great if it could have been Nagato,
instead?"

Haruhi can't help but giggle, staring at my sister and recognizing her.
Well....

She _has_ grown. From when she and Haruhi first met, my sister has gained at
least fifteen centimeters in height, though this still leaves her shorter than
Nagato by a bit. Her hair is longer and she dresses like an adult, but I
couldn't ever gauge how attractive she was -- also like Nagato, I don't really
think of her that way.

"Alright, Kyon -- get your butt in the kitchen and let me meet your new
friend!"

As a mother of two of her own boys, my sister's skill at getting what she
wants from males has expanded from 'unreasonable' to 'near-Haruhi.' I am not
immune, and grudgingly agree to occupy myself with washing the vegetables
while they chat. I turn the water down, curious as to what they're talking
about, and only then do I realize that my sister didn't actually recognize
Haruhi.

"So, Nee-chan," my sister says quickly, "let me tell you a few things about my
brother, okay?"

"Sure," Haruhi replies, amused. "What should I know?"

Well, I agree with Haruhi's sentiment on this one; it _should_ be amusing.

"He's a good family man -- responsible, and great with children! He watches
over my Ryudo and Kenichi all the time! And what he's telling you about Yuki-
nee is true, too -- he's been friends with her since high school. So don't
think that she'd be a threat for you -- think of her as an extra future
sister-in-law! I think you and Kyon will make a great match! And believe it or
not, he's won awards for the poems he writes-- But tell me! Tell me! How did
you meet him? I want to know everything about the girl that my brother likes
enough to ask over for dinner with his family!"

Typical little sister.

"Well," Haruhi drawls slowly, "I actually met him a long time ago.... It just
so happened that I sat behind him in class -- in high school -- and--"

My sister's shocked squeal of joy would have been heard even without trying.
"_Haru-nee_!" she cries. I can imagine her practically kicking my kotatsu to
one side as she tries to tackle Haruhi in a hug. "Oh, it's been so long-- Do
you know where Mikuru-nee is?"

"I wish I did...."

Ah, there's still that.

* * *

After finishing the initial preparations for dinner -- getting out the pots
and pans, washing the vegetables, and all of the other minor details, I go
back to the front room, where Haruhi and my sister are still talking. Seeing
an opportunity, I remark that both of them are more skilled in the kitchen
than I am -- at least, assuming Haruhi's skills haven't degraded. Otherwise,
my sister can manage a kitchen on her own with one hand tied behind her back.

"Well, that's fine with me," Haruhi remarks immediately. "I've just been a
guest for Tsu-chan and Kyon, so getting to do something to help out will be
fun!"

"In that case, I hate to be a poor host," I apologize, "but I've been making
Nagato watch over Kintaro alone -- I really should check in on him."

"That's fine!" my sister chirps. "Haru-nee and I have so much to catch up on!"
As I step out the door, I hear my sister ask, "So, Haru-nee -- do you have any
children?"

"What?" Haruhi yelps, sounding horrified before the door clicks shut and I
can't hear anymore.

I take a moment to enjoy the cool air, surveying the dimming horizon as the
sun descends in the west, behind the skyline. It's gotten colder, though, and
I'm still not wearing a coat, so I don't lurk for long, as amusing as it might
be to try and eavesdrop on Haruhi. Come to think of it ... Haruhi and my
sister had been fairly close at one point. How was it that they didn't stay in
touch?

Was it my sister, avoiding Haruhi because I wouldn't speak of it once we
started talking again? Or Haruhi, avoiding my family because I ran away from
her? She said she had spent time looking for me -- and Nagato. Had she talked
to my parents at some point, while I was lost? I suppose she must have....

Of course, my parents wouldn't have known where I was, then, and by the time I
hesitantly contacted my sister, she was already in her own senior year of high
school.... Like me, she never went to college, but I don't know that she ever
wanted to. She met someone in high school while she was in middle school, and
astoundingly enough, with relatively little drama, they dated until he
finished college -- and then they married.

But I can't think about that now -- and I can't think about more discussions
with Haruhi at the moment, either.

I'm nearly shivering before I realize I'm still standing at the top of the
stairs, watching the sky grow dark. That's me, I guess ... just avoiding the
inevitable as long as possible.

A youth runs away.

The problem is deferred, but:

Nothing is solved.

That's probably going to be a popular one, if I publish it -- I can tell
because I hate it already.

I trot down the stairs to Nagato's shop and open the door. The bell jingles
loudly, and Kintaro and Nagato look up from behind the counter as I enter.

"Hi, Uncle!" Kintaro calls, waving at me as he hops to his feet. "Is it time
for dinner?"

"Auntie and Suzumiya-san are cooking," I answer. "But if you're done, you can
go upstairs and wash up."

"Okay, can I watch some television? I want to see what's happening on _Trope-
Tan Next_!"

I'm pretty sure he already has that series in boxed sets at home.... "Hmm.
Well, you can watch _one_ episode, but Nagato and I will be up soon."

"Okay!" he cheers, grabbing his backpack and streaking out the door, yelping
at the blast of cold air. I watch until he vanishes at the top of the
stairway, and a telltale splash of escaping light reveals that my apartment
door has opened.

Nagato taps a few keys on her laptop, then closes it before rising.

"Nagato," I start, before she can move towards the light switches.

She turns to look at me inquisitively.

"Um.... Maybe it's all just me, and I'm thinking about everything too hard....
But these years-- Have you been happy?"

After blinking a few times, she lowers her gaze to her closed laptop. "That is
the wrong question," she replies.

"That may be so...."

She shifts on her feet, and I can see her thinking about things. "You are not
asking to determine my own happiness, but to gauge your own self-worth." After
a pause, she adds, "This does not seem fair to either of us."

"You're almost certainly right," I sigh.

"However," Nagato says, even more softly. "Underlying that, you are seeking
reassurance because recent events have disturbed your calm. I am sympathetic
to you." Raising her gaze and meeting my eyes, she concludes, "But as long as
you are here ... I am happy."

I nod at that.

There's no reason to push Nagato any further; expressing herself did not
become much easier as she became more human. I understand that the entity
tried not to change her outward personality much, now. Then again, that was
because they wanted to see how she would handle it, not out of any desire to
preserve the parts of her I knew.

* * *

After receiving Kimidori's ultimatum, I was treated to another awakening,
though this time it was in a hospital. None of the convenience of my last
hospitalization, though, where I waited one night and was released.

It was five days before they pronounced me fit enough to leave -- though I was
only genuinely suffering from malnutrition. During that time, Nagato did not
leave my side once, except when Tsuruya pulled her away to bathe and eat. I'll
admit ... considering what I'd been through, and knowing what she'd done for
me, I wasn't entirely sure what to do.

When I was released from the hospital in Kyoto, Tsuruya immediately settled
the bill and took us into her care.

More debts I didn't think I could ever pay back....

It had fallen to me to determine what Nagato would need in her new life, and I
had guessed she wanted a bookstore. The entity had therefore provided Nagato a
building, some initial funding, and the proper paperwork to get started.

We spent a month trying to get things in order in the bookstore. I still
remembered how to handle shipping and receiving from my part-time job -- but
handling the entire inventory of a bookstore was an ordeal. Tsuruya came by to
visit with Nanase-san, who helped show Nagato along.... Though, that worked
out in a way I hadn't expected.

That wouldn't be telling the whole story, though.

From my perspective, I had somehow lost about eight months of time. It had
been just over a week since I chosen to run from Haruhi -- and then, there I
was, waking up in a hospital with Nagato hovering at my side, more uncertain
and vulnerable than I'd ever seen her before.

One thing that Nagato had managed to explain to me, through all of that, was
that when she was an interface, she was directly connected to the entity. Long
and short of it, that connection meant that she was able to commune with the
entity at will, and had been used to that connection her entire existence.
Severing it had effectively left her in a world of silence.

In other words, with only her own thoughts in her head, she became very
lonely.

I didn't understand entirely what it meant that she wanted to be 'with me.'
What did that entail?

I found out the first night we moved into the apartments.

Nagato and I stood side-by-side on the porch, staring at our respective doors.
Inside were the futon and blankets that we had picked up that day. That was
our newly fabricated sanctuary, and the first chance I'd had in a long while
to call a place 'home.' I knew I should have had the motive strength to open
the door....

Maybe it was that I was still malnourished. A full day of shifting bookshelves
and boxes of books around downstairs had worn me down. Why wouldn't she be
tired, too?

At that time, she hadn't spent much time away from me since I had recovered --
no more than an hour or two. She was probably exhausted, being more human, but
trying to keep herself running....

I turned to her, trying to force something like a smile. It was pointless
trying to spend all my time guessing. I could just _ask_.

"Tired, Nagato?"

"Yes," she answered, her expression faintly apprehensive. Whatever else she
was enduring, her emotions were more visible than ever -- and I could tell she
was scared by that. It was a little scary for me, too, knowing that she was a
fragile human like me, not the invulnerable being she had been.

That didn't sound right.

She was still the same person, but she'd lost her superhuman capabilities. And
... in some way ... according to Kimidori, she was dependent on me. So I had
to watch out for her, like she used to watch out for me.

"If there's anything I can do to help you, you'll let me know, right?"

She didn't meet my eyes, and she looked troubled, uncertain of what to say. "I
... want ... to stay with you tonight," she forced out, her face heating up.

It did not take a genius to see what I though she was asking for. But then, as
my track record demonstrated, this was something I consistently got wrong.

I realized that the door to my apartment was open -- that I had opened it.
Shortly after that I realized we'd gone through the desolate, empty living
room, and to my bedroom, which at that point contained an untidy pile of new
clothes, and the futon. Whatever else I thought, neither of us had the
strength to do much.

We both collapsed onto the futon, and I had the wherewithal to drag the heavy
blanket across us before my awareness faded.

Which was just as well.

* * *

Of course, at that time, I wasn't staying with Nagato every day, as I was
still being trained in the arts of garden maintainance. That was when I first
was sent off to the temple to train.

Kurama-dera was an ancient, well-established temple, not just some remote
shrine. And I wouldn't lie -- Hakase-sensei's suggestion that a troubled young
man who was running from his own life should go to a temple was a brilliant
one. Or maybe it was Tsuruya who thought that a quiet place would be good for
me.

Not that I want to give the wrong impression of the area; it was very quiet at
night, and through the early day. In the afternoon and early evening, the site
was flooded with tourists. I suppose that's just a problem with any large
temple ... I saw more of the people who came by just to pray or seek a moment
of quiet and peace in the early mornings.

I learned a lot of the history of the mountain and the temple, and once was
inadvertently mistaken for a shugendo, and asked to perform reiki. My
knowledge was only sufficient enough to point out the site where the supposed
healing art was established, but I was allowed to witness a fascinating ritual
once the actual holy man arrived.

Mostly, it gave me structure, which at that time, I badly needed.

Every morning, I would wake up early with the other apprentices. And by
'early' I mean 'before the sun rose.' We actually shared dormitories with the
novice monks. The monks were friendly enough, but also in a stage of their
training that we weren't supposed to fraternize with them, which made the
place seem more isolated than it actually was.

I appreciated that, though. Communicating with small nods and subtle gestures,
spending so much time in places were everything was meticulously arranged....

And then, right when it started to become oppressive and frustrating, it was
time to spend a week working at the Tsuruya estate with Hakase-sensei. The
estate had a certain structure, too, but a much more relaxed one; Hakase-
sensei would let me do the heavy labor while we discussed what I had been
studying.

It probably sounds somewhat romanticized; that I was drifting towards the life
of an ascetic.

Waking up in a dormitory full of monks reminded me personally of how much
further I would have to go for that to be true. And, while my feelings on
Nagato may have finally coalesced into something I could understand, spending
one out of every three weeks with her sleeping next to me in my futon did not
initially help to settle me -- even if I was glad to be able to help her in
some small way.

* * *

Those were earlier times, though.... I _do_ understand the relationship that
Nagato and I have now, and while I explain it to others that she is like a
sister, that may not adequately encompass the entirety of it. As time passed
and Nagato adjusted to her changes, she came to sleep in my bed less and less.

There are occasions, here and there, when she still comes to my apartment at
night, just to feel less alone.

It occurred to me to try and ask her out on a date once.... Sadly enough,
after all we'd been through, I wasn't sure if I felt for Nagato that way. So I
considered it, but never mustered the courage to ask directly. Make no doubts
about it, she shakes the bell in my heart ... but as time passed, I realized
there wasn't really any romance there.

"Nagato.... Is there difficulty between you and Haruhi?"

The sun has set completely, now, leaving Nagato and I in only the faintest
lighting. She's still confident enough in that darkness to slip slightly
closer to me. "Suzumiya Haruhi causes you discomfort and unrest. This is a
difficulty for me."

"Mmm. Haruhi still wants to be your friend, you know."

Nagato considers this for a long moment. "I ... did not know."

"Well, what do you think she's here for, then?"

Her lips purse together tightly. I can see she's thinking about this, too.
"You," she finally answers.

"So ... once again ... it's my fault?" I ask with a weak smile.

"Foolish," Nagato retorts, stepping forward the remaining distance between us,
giving me a gentle hug. She turns her head to one side as her face presses
into my shirt, and her voice is slightly muffled as she explains, "My presence
would make the pursuit of romance difficult for you. Therefore, if there is
fault, it is mine for preventing you from achieving your goals."

"Now _that_ is foolish," I counter, and I'm glad that my smile feels more
genuine. "Nagato ... we've been over this. Anyone who couldn't understand your
importance to me wouldn't matter. And then there's...." But no need to discuss
that now. Instead, I give her a hug in return. "I'm sorry if it's difficult
for you to watch me near Haruhi," I tell her. "I did tell her about your
family situation, at least."

Nagato gives a very tiny nod and moves away, but leaves her arms around me for
a lingering moment. "Thank you," she breathes. I let her slip the rest of the
way away from me.

"You'll be okay?"

"As long as you are there, it is fine," she says, sounding more confident.

The pair of us step outside while Nagato locks up her bookstore. Distracted
with watching her, I hear the crunch of approaching tires before I realize
that Tsuruya's limousine has pulled up. Nagato puts her key away and turns
around as Kintaro's mother exits the vehicle with a tired, worn smile, waving
at the pair of us.

"How is Kin-chan?" Tsuruya asks.

"He should be upstairs with Haruhi and my sister," I answer.

Nodding, Tsuruya dismisses her driver and moves to Nagato's side. "You look
especially happy just now, Nagato-chi. Did something good happen?" She glances
back at me, giving a teasing smile. "Maybe with Kyon-kun...?"

Nagato doesn't blush, just refusing to acknowledge the question.

Tsuruya giggles, then takes Nagato's arm in hers. "It's cold here," she
chides, shaking her head. "Come on, let's say hello to Kin-chan!"

I follow behind the pair of them, the last one back to my own apartment.
Kintaro is staring wide-eyed at his anime, breaking away from the ending
credits to cheer and glomp onto his mother. At a glance, my sister is in the
middle of recounting her wedding to Haruhi.

"Ah, there you are," Haruhi remarks from the kitchen entrance, waving a wooden
stirring spoon at me. "Got caught up talking with Tsu-chan?"

"Yep!" Tsuruya agrees, twirling once with Kintaro in a tight hug before
setting him down and beaming Haruhi her usual cheerful smile. "Sorry -- I
didn't mean to steal your hosts!"

"Ah, that's not a problem," Haruhi insists, shaking her head. "Um...."

"Haru-nee," my sister calls from deeper in the kitchen.

Haruhi gives a tiny scowl before offering an apologetic smile and running back
into the kitchen.

"Having fun?" Tsuruya asks Kintaro. "Good day at school?"

"Yep, yep!" he agrees. "Nagato-san helped me with my math homework, since
Uncle and Suzumiya-san were busy talking."

"And you, Kyon-kun?" Tsuruya asks me, one eyebrow raised questioningly.

"I'm doing pretty well," I answer, realizing after I say it that it's really
true. This is the 'family' night that Tsuruya wanted -- and I agreed to. More
and more I'm realizing that Tsuruya's plan wasn't just for Kintaro's
benefit....

Still, it's true. The family I care about is here -- Tsuruya, Nagato, my
sister, Kintaro, naturally.... And having Haruhi join us somehow feels right,
too. Except for Kintaro, who couldn't have known her, weren't all of these
people Haruhi's friends?

"Ready!" Haruhi calls from the kitchen, making me realize I've done it again.

Just standing around like an idiot, thinking and not doing....

"What's with that face?" Haruhi asks, frowning at me as she reenters the
living room.

"Haiku," Kintaro says knowingly.

I guess that tells me what I look like.

"Let's hear it, then," my sister says, bringing the first of the dishes out
from the kitchen and setting it on the table.

No pressure or anything, right?

"Friends and family,

"Assembled at the table;

"Us in harmony."

No, that's just terrible....

My sister thinks it's cute, and Tsuruya and Haruhi both politely giggle at it.

"I haven't been at my best lately," I sigh, taking a seat at the table.

Haruhi takes the spot to my left, closest to the rice cooker, and begins
serving out bowls of rice. "Well, I've probably been distracting you quite a
bit," she acknowledges.

Kintaro sits to my right, opposite her, and Tsuruya sits next to him. Nagato
debates for a moment, then sits next to Tsuruya, opposite me, leaving space
between her and Haruhi for my sister.

After Haruhi hands out the bowls of rice, everyone murmurs the traditional
gratitude. "Distracted by the next arrangement for the sand garden?" she asks
me.

"Oh, a new one?" my sister noises, brightening. At Haruhi's inquisitive
glance, my sister launches into an explanation of her current hobby --
something that began the instant she had a child of her own and a camera. She
spent a few years photographing literally _everything_, since she'd never
taken classes on the subject. Not to say she's bad at it -- I can take
pictures of people, and some landscapes, but at this point she can tell me
about composition, lighting conditions, subject matter.... To say nothing of
her energetic rants about the various new digital cameras versus the antique
film camera her husband gave her for their anniversary.

It seemed to me a relatively harmless pursuit, until she explained to Tsuruya
that she wanted to do a photo book.... Tsuruya, naturally, took my sister's
rambling seriously, and as a result, my sister is nearly obsessed with
photographing my work in the sand garden, thinking it will make a great coffee
table book with pictures of the gardens near the poems that they represent.

It still feels to me that somehow Tsuruya's estate should be more private than
that, but Nagato isn't opposed, and Tsuruya herself doesn't mind. There's no
reason not to let my sister have her fun, I suppose.

"I'll probably start working on the new design in a few days," I answer,
serving a portion of tempura vegetables onto Kintaro's plate, then setting
another on my own. "But I haven't actually picked it out yet."

Kintaro pouts at his dish as Tsuruya adds more vegetables and a serving of
fish. "Aww..." he mumbles, before giving a resigned shrug and tasting his
meal. "Um! This is really good!"

After giving a gracious nod and wink to Kintaro, Haruhi asks me, "How does the
creative process work on designing a sand garden, anyway?"

"Do you really want to know?" I ask, giving a wry grin. "The foundations are
phenomenally boring."

"Well, what else is there to talk about?" Haruhi protests, pouting.

"Why not tell us how your acting career started?" I prompt.

She gives me a hooded glance. "You are in serious story-telling debt," she
warns me, almost hiding her smile. "But, okay."

"Suzumiya-san's a movie star?" Kintaro asks curiously. "Do you do voice
acting, too?"

"A little," Haruhi admits, frowning thoughtfully. "Ah ... let's see. When I
finished college, after spending some time working for the corporate machine,
I decided to try and expand my horizons and, well ... live a more artistic
lifestyle."

"What's the corporate machine?" Kintaro asks.

"Let Haruhi tell her story, Kin-chan," Tsuruya scolds gently.

"Oh, that's just a way of saying 'really boring work,'" Haruhi clarifies.
"Anyway, how to say this...." Haruhi furrows her brow and gives Kintaro a
tiny, slightly embarrassed smile. "You know, before college, I was something
of a troublemaker. But that was only because I knew that no matter what, I was
going to make a mark on the world."

"I knew it, too," my sister agrees, winking.

Well, they weren't the only ones.

Haruhi looks mildly surprised at that, but continues: "So ... in my last years
of college, certain events started leading me into trying to live the same
kind of life that any other generic successful person might. That's not really
bad, but my old dreams of making a mark -- of doing something amazing and
different.... I was kind of distracted from doing that for a while.

"Something came along, though, reminding me that the life I was starting to
make wasn't the life I wanted to live." Her face turns slightly red, and she
turns her gaze to Kintaro. "A...actually, I was really inspired by your
uncle's books. I hadn't seen him in ... well, a few years at that point."

"Aww..." my sister coos, setting down her teacup. "That's _cute_!"

"Which books?" Tsuruya asks, thinking. "Hum ... _Sprouting_ and _Reach for the
Sun_, right?"

"_Sprouting_," Haruhi agrees. "I thought that making movies sounded
interesting -- I'd tried my hand at it in high school, actually."

And with the exception of Kintaro, everyone in this room was in that movie ...
including my cat.

"Well, since I didn't know how the big studios did it, compared to my style, I
decided to infiltrate the industry from the ground up, and see what I could
learn as an intern."

Yes ... that sounds like Haruhi -- more than her explanation that she worked
in an office with Koizumi doing abstract math all day. I could easily imagine
her dressing up like anyone else for an interview, marching up to some
producer's desk, and then proudly throwing down a resume that listed her
Toudai education -- while applying for an internship.

"After a few months, I'd worked my way up to production assistant, and my
first project was the _Bridge of Birds_ movie."

"Oh, the original?" Tsuruya asks with a sympathetic wince.

Haruhi laughs, rolling her eyes. "Yeah ... the studio signed this _massive_
deal -- they were going to produce a whole series of movies telling the
chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox, right? Everything seemed to go off
with only a few minor glitches, and then right after we were celebrating our
release party, our lead actress--" She pauses, glancing at Kintaro as she
considers what to say next. "Well, she did something that embarrassed the
studio very much, and then the project almost died due to red tape for three
years.

"To be honest, I'd given up on becoming a successful producer -- my boss
basically dropped everything bad about the project on me and moved to the next
film. There was still a lot I could do and learn, though, so I didn't let that
bother me. By the time the paperwork was sorted out, I wasn't interested in
being a producer anymore -- they were going to start the series from scratch
anyway. I'd managed to establish a reputation for myself, so they wanted me on
the project, but I was much more interested in trying out acting at that
point, so ... they offered me a role as the lead as long as I was willing to
co-produce."

"You voiced the ghost of Scented Hairpin in the original, didn't you?" I ask.

Nagato nods.

Haruhi blinks, more visibly surprised than before. "That's not credited!" she
protests, unable to keep from grinning in satisfaction. "Not even on my IMDB
profile! You recognized me, huh?"

One does not forget the voice of Suzumiya Haruhi. Even so.... "Nagato thought
it was your voice."

"Ah," Haruhi sighs, nodding, her grin fading to a fainter smile.

"I think I remember that movie now," Kintaro says, pushing his plate away from
himself. Tsuruya glances at his uneaten vegetables and pushes it back with a
quiet chuckle. Pretending he hasn't noticed, Kintaro asks, "Isn't it about the
story of Tanabata?"

"Yeah!" Haruhi says more enthusiastically. "I think a lot of people missed
that, so you're pretty sharp to catch it! Tanabata used to be a very
meaningful time for me, so I really liked getting to play Lotus Cloud and Jade
Pearl...."

"I liked that series," my sister remarks, smiling. "You know, it's
embarrassing now, but I actually didn't realize that you were the same Haru-
nee that hung out with my brother when I was small!"

"Well, there was a lot of makeup," Haruhi says, shrugging, but still smiling.
"It doesn't bother me that you didn't know I'm the same person -- I'm just
glad that you liked the movie. Really ... if you're acting and doing it right,
shouldn't you be unrecognizable as who you used to be?"

Except ... I knew it was still her. What did that mean, I wonder?

"Interesting," Tsuruya opines.

* * *

Some time after conversation breaks down into surprisingly comfortable, but
mostly irrelevant small-talk, I excuse myself from the table to take care of
the dishes. Haruhi quickly follows, insisting on helping, never mind my
protests that she already cooked for us. "You'll have to dry them, because I
don't know where all of your dishes go," Haruhi warns me as Tsuruya laughs at
something from the other room.

"That's fine," I agree, getting a clean dishcloth from the cupboard. "Sorry,
this isn't the most fun we could have while visiting, is it?"

"It's nothing for me to complain about," she counters, looking vaguely amused
as she rolls her sleeves up. "You still haven't gotten that the whole point of
us trying to catch up is to learn all about the kind of people we've become?
What better chance than to see how you live your life, and do your job?"

"I don't have any secret gardening techniques for you to steal," I note as she
hands me the first clean plate.

"Ever seen a washrag coiled into a whip?"

"Why, yes, I _do_ have a sibling in the other room."

She chuckles, shaking her head. "Well, be that as it may...." She lowers her
voice slightly. "I don't think I've been much of a guest to Tsu-chan, but it's
just such a surprise-- I mean.... I had no idea that when I went to talk to
her, I'd find you and Yuki, too. And your little sister -- still adorably
tiny! But then...." She trails off and shakes her head. "Anyway, the point I'm
trying to get at is that I should spend more time with Tsu-chan tomorrow, so
... can we visit again?"

"I don't see why not," I answer slowly. "When were you thinking?"

"Tomorrow I've got to find a good thank-you present for Tsu-chan, but I've
already hit Kin-chan up for ideas on what to get. The next day, I have to go
to Tokyo for an appointment, then...." She thinks for a minute, frowning.
"Let's trade cell phone numbers. I'm going to be pretty busy for the next few
days, but I'll call you when I get back into town?"

"That should be fine," I agree.

For a moment she looks about ready to say more, before she turns her head to
the sink and starts scrubbing the last of the pots. Before I can really even
consider asking her what it means, Kintaro pads into the room, asking for a
cup of water.

* * *

In the quiet, after everyone has gone, I lay on my futon and stare at the
ceiling. Except for my thoughts, I'm alone in the apartment that I have called
home for nearly a decade and a half.

This is becoming an uncomfortable habit, reminding me of the times when I was
younger -- when Haruhi had been a larger part of my life.

My wandering mind is interrupted by a knock at the balcony door. I roll out
from my blankets and climb to my feet, my knees grumbling slight complaints at
this unseemly haste.

When I reach the door and open it, Nagato is standing on the balcony in her
pajamas, shivering. "I told you to wear that robe I gave you," I chastise her,
taking her hand and leading her inside.

"Yes," she agrees quietly, still shivering. After I close the door, she walks
to my room ahead of me, almost stumbling through the doorway in the dark.

While I do care for Nagato, her one real difficulty is acknowledging her own
limitations. She can't see in the dark or go days without sleeping, like she
once was able to. She can't ignore the cold, either. I don't believe that she
forgets, as much as she just wants the reminder of what it feels like. Or
maybe she just gets stressed and tired, and trusts me to take care of her.

Fair is fair; she's taken care of me more than enough in the past. Once we lay
down on the futon, she curls up to my side, still shivering slightly as she
warms up. Shamisen, long familiar with the ritual, trots into the room from
wherever he was hiding and immediately hops onto Nagato's side before curling
up and purring.

She warms up and stops shivering, but I can tell by her breathing that she's
not sleeping. Not that I'm one to talk ... and Nagato's presence in my bed
doesn't bother me like it once did. Now it just means that a winter night is
slightly less chilly, and Nagato is less troubled.

Well ... I'd be lying if I said I didn't find some comfort there, too. More
likely than not, all things considered, tonight is for my benefit more than
hers. Shamisen shifts and stretches slightly before re-curling into an even
tighter ball, heaving one enormous -- for him -- sigh before he begins to
sleep. So, no complaints from him, either.

"You should pursue a romantic relationship with Suzumiya Haruhi," Nagato says
very softly, breaking the silence.

Wait, what?

"Hmm," I answer, blinking. Nagato doesn't joke about things like this. "I
don't know about that."

Nagato shifts, rolling to lie on her back next to me. Shamisen grumbles
briefly about his warm spot moving, then settles down in the valley between us
and almost immediately falls asleep again.

"Most likely she still has feelings for you," she says quietly. "While it
seems unlikely that she consciously sought you out, the lack of closure has
caused this reconnection with you to ignite those dormant feelings again."

I'm not sure I can handle this. Then again, if hearing it from Nagato like
this is too much for me, then I can't handle anything at all. And didn't I
make a commitment, those years ago, to stop running away?

Okay. So Haruhi might still like me -- though I have doubts about that,
personally. I think she might have come to forgive me, but I doubt she still
sees me as more than a friend. After Koizumi, and considering that she had
trouble making friends in the past, well, I can see why she'd be so eager to
try and rekindle that friendship. But the idea of her harboring some deeper
feeling for me after how badly I failed her?

I don't know if I can believe that. Setting it aside anyway, I know my sister
thinks that me marrying and moving into a proper house of my own would bridge
the gap between me and my parents. And she likes Haruhi for her own
reasons....

No, wait -- never mind what anyone else thinks. Even Nagato, for the moment.

Did I want to be in a relationship with Haruhi?

"I need to think about that very hard," I answer.

"As you delay, it seems diminishingly likely that you will encounter a partner
who will meet the specifications you require," she says quietly.

This discussion is a bit more familiar. I like Nagato's delivery better than
my sister's, "You are not getting any younger!" reminders, but....

"Those are non-negotiable points," I say. "The shapes I form my life around."
Her, Kintaro, and Tsuruya.

Nagato doesn't say anything in response, though one arm comes out from beneath
the covers to rub Shamisen's ears.

When Nagato initially had asked me for what I was looking for in a mate, I
hadn't taken the question seriously -- though from long habit of living with
her, I told the truth anyway. I didn't expect anything to come of it.... But
anyone I did try to have a relationship with would have to tolerate what
Nagato and I have. And I am not so stupid as to miss the fact that any
respectable woman would find that quite difficult to accept.

Add in the agreement between myself and Tsuruya ... myself settling down now
would disrupt Kintaro's life.

Or are those excuses?

I don't know.... It's late, I'm not getting any sleep. I have a strong urge to
run away again, but that accomplishes nothing. Although.... "Nagato, what do
you think about taking a trip?" I ask.

She turns her head towards me curiously, withdrawing her arm beneath the
covers and saying nothing.

"I'm not sure if this came up, but some time in the past, Koizumi Itsuki
passed away -- I was thinking of taking a day or so off and going to visit his
grave."

Her eyebrows knit slightly closer together, and she makes a doubtful noise.

"Maybe the gardens there will inspire me -- wherever he is," I suggest.

She gives a reluctant nod. It's not running away, I tell myself. Yes, I am
avoiding Haruhi tomorrow, but I am facing Koizumi's departure.

Looking at it as arranging events in time like elements of a garden.... A
detour might be acceptable, and visiting his grave would let me at least let
me turn those plots over in my mind, making room for new growths.

"You must inform Tsuruya Kintaro," she reminds me. "I will locate the site and
manage travel arrangements."

"That's true." No running away, huh? "Thank you very much, Nagato."

"Good," she decides, her eyes drifting shut. "It is ... no problem...."
Shortly after that, her breathing shifts, slows....

I rely on Nagato still, at least as much as she relies on me. I'm probably
just fooling myself when I pretend otherwise. Maybe that's why I'm so
reluctant....

No -- I will do my work tomorrow as I'm supposed to, early enough to meet with
Tsuruya and Kintaro before he goes to school. This is not running away -- this
is moving forward, even if it is in slow, painful steps.