# The Courtship of Suzumiya Haruhi

## Chapter three: In which progress is an option, not a mandate.

### A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.

Note: This fic is a sequel to The Blunt Force Trauma of Suzumiya Haruhi.

Disclaimer: The novel 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'/'The Melancholy of Suzumiya
Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. I do not know the producers yet,
but the animation company responsible is Kyoto Animation. No disrespect is
intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own the characters or
settings involved. I'm merely dabbling with another set of paints. ;)

* * *

After the last period finishes, we're released to club activities. No longer a
member of the Going Home Club, Kunikida descends into the depths of an
economic nightmare to pursue his Eimi-chan. I probably shouldn't care ... no,
it would be more accurate to say I don't care, really. I wish him the best,
but economics bore the hell out of me. As a friend I _should_ care, but things
between him and Yamada seem to be going just fine.

I can imagine his growing, stereotypical highschool romance proceeding with
only the merest of bumps and hiccups as he and Yamada build their
relationship. Given that Kunikida's academic scores are as good as they are,
I'm sure he'd have no trouble being the economist that Yamada seems to be
interested in.

All the same, that strikes me as a very, very boring relationship.

Maybe more of Haruhi has rubbed off onto me than I thought? Of course,
speaking of the Brigade Chief....

"So what's gotten into you lately, anyway?" she asks, eyeing me over the top
of the computer monitor, when I take my usual seat.

The girl in a maid outfit sets a hot teacup before me, her eyes wandering
between myself and Haruhi slowly. Yuki is sitting in the corner reading a new
thick book, 'The Complete Fionavar Tapestry', but Koizumi hasn't show up yet.

I'm not complaining about that last part.

"Gotten into me?" I ask, trying to keep some of the irritation off my face.
"You're the one who gets into things, Haruhi. I'm just passing time until
Saturday." Glancing between Mikuru and Yuki, I ask, "Yuki-chan, is your place
still going to be okay?"

She slowly looks up, then turns her face back to her book. "Fine," she says in
that whisper-soft voice.

Haruhi's eyes narrow in suspicion. "I mean you and Kunikida," she clarifies,
waggling a finger at me in warning. "You're trying to hide something?"

This from the person hiding most of her face behind the computer monitor?
"Just respecting Kunikida's privacy," I respond. "It's not important."

"Then spill!" she says, sitting up straight, her eyes demanding, her face
speculative.

Should have figured we'd never make it to telling ghost stories. "It's nothing
spectacular," I assure her. "He's trying to date a girl in the Economic
Studies Club."

"We have that club?" Haruhi asks in surprise. "I must have skipped it....
Anyway, that sounds incredibly boring."

A nervous feeling. I try to ignore it, but say: "I agree. But Kunikida really
likes this girl, I think." I shrug. "That's all."

"Oh," Haruhi sighs, frowning. I have the impression she's not that upset, but
that's when Koizumi enters.

"I apologize for being late," he says, wearing that smile, carrying his bag in
one hand and a thick story book in the other. He bows slightly to Haruhi as he
makes his apology. "More research today?"

"Eh, no need," Haruhi says, shaking her head. "We can just read the stories
straight from the books."

Koizumi's smile fades, and he looks at his book forlornly. "I see," he says,
before his face brightens, and a more genuine seeming smile appears. "What
shall we do today, then?" He takes his normal seat across from me and starts
setting up a chess board.

I don't particularly care for chess, honestly, but Koizumi went out of his way
to teach it to me, so I dutifully help him finish setting up the pieces, and
offer him first move.

"I want to come up with a new activity," Haruhi says speculatively, twirling a
pen between her fingers and slowly spinning her chair in place.

"Ghost stories are off already?" I ask, unable to keep one eyebrow from
ticking. Koizumi winces too, giving me an apologetic look.

"Don't be stupid," Haruhi says in a surprisingly placid tone. "After that."

"Himeji castle?" I ask.

"I suppose," she says slowly, unenthusiastically. "I haven't ever been before,
I mean."

Koizumi and I stare at the board in thoughtful silence. After a heartbeat of
thought and a glance at Haruhi while she's facing away, I shuffle several
pieces on the board around, so it at least looks like we're thinking of moves.
Koizumi nods slightly, then offers a broad, careless shrug. Like this doesn't
matter, somehow?

"It could be fun," I say, finally, dismissing the board and turning in my seat
to face Haruhi, who is now staring pensively out the window. "Didn't you want
to see Okiku's well?"

"Kinda," she mumbles. "Ah, nevermind. I'll come up with something."

She turns around and crosses her arms on the desk, lowering her face and
hiding behind the computer monitor. Koizumi and I exchange worried glances.

But as always in these times, I can find nothing to say.

Shaking my head, I take a piece of note paper from a pad on the white board,
glancing at Haruhi and scribbling out a quick message. Mikuru and Yuki-chan
watch me curiously, while Koizumi thoughtfully ponders Haruhi's elbows and a
bit of her hair, all that's visible behind her cover. I put Mikuru's name on
the note and gesture to her.

Mikuru stares at me, hesitantly reaching for the note, when Haruhi's voice
suddenly breaks the tense silence, and we all freeze nervously. "Hey ... Yuki
... what's that book about?"

Now shaking, Mikuru takes the note and hides it in her maid costume's apron
pocket.

Yuki turns her eyes back to the still open book. "Inter-dimensional travelers,
magic, an evil force escaping confinement," and here I think I detect the
merest pause, "one man's self-sacrifice for the good of the world, a man who
dares to love a goddess."

"Hmm," Haruhi muses, her face still in her arms. "Is it any good?"

"It has received several rewards and is critically acclaimed."

Haruhi lifts her head up and shoots Yuki a dour look. "No, no ... that's not
what I asked! I wanted to know if it was _good_," she grumbles. "Do you like
it?" She sits up straight, eyeing the shorter girl. "Geez, do you like
anything?"

Yuki-chan's eyes turn to me. "Yes," she says softly, before they turn back to
her book.

"Bleah," Haruhi grumps sinking back to her desk. After the silence stretches
on for a long, uncomfortable minute, she mumbles, "Can I borrow it when you're
done?"

"Yes," Yuki-chan whispers.

I stare at the chessboard listlessly, then shake my head. "You win," I
announce, flicking over my king, even though we haven't made a legitimate move
the entire time. "Let's play something else. Something with dice. Or cards." I
don't usually lose as bad, there.

"Um..." Mikuru asks hesitantly, "what about Uno? We could all play that,
right? Uh, Suzumiya-san, did you want to join us?"

Yuki closes her book abruptly and sets it next to Haruhi's head, then moves
her chair over to the table to join in. Haruhi startles, sitting up and
surprised to see the book already. "Yeah, sure," she says, smiling weakly.

* * *

When club ends, Haruhi hasn't really cheered up much, but she's pretending to
not be bothered. After she dismisses us, leaving first, we all remain behind
in the clubroom.

After another minute or two of silence, I rub at my right temple and ask
Koizumi, "How bad is it?"

He looks a bit guilty and spreads his hands. "I feel nothing," he answers.
"There doesn't appear to be any backlash."

What? "Really?"

"I don't think I would joke about this," he says with a sigh. "I'm at a loss
for what's going on, but I feel no closed space forming."

Yuki-chan stares, occasionally blinking but offering no insight.

Mikuru's face turns a bit pink after she reads my note. "Um ... I'd like to
talk to Kyon-kun ... alone?" she asks shyly.

Yuki-chan's gaze turns to Mikuru before she blinks, and her eyes go to me.
"Understood."

"Well, then," Koizumi says with a shrug. "I trust I'm leaving this matter in
capable hands. Good luck!" With that, he and Yuki-chan depart, leaving only
Mikuru and I together in the club room.

I occasionally regret not taking more time to enjoy being Mikuru's boyfriend
in that other world. When she sits demurely next to me, smoothing out her maid
outfit's apron, she glances at my face, then looks away. "S...so, this note,"
she says quietly, "what's going on, Kyon-kun?"

"Ah, Mikuru-chan," I say, wincing. "Um ... Yuki-chan actually suggested I
should talk to you. For advice on something."

"Oh!" she says, cheering up instantly. "If there's anything I can give you
advice on, of course!"

I'm going to hate myself in a few seconds. "S...so, it's about Haruhi," I
start, loosening my collar.

Mikuru's smile remains bright, and she nods. "Okay," she says. "What's going
on?"

Tripping over my tongue with admissions I hate to make to myself, I tell her,
"I'm ... trying to ... er ... that is...." I trail off and palm my face. This
is hard. "First of all, if I say too much, or you don't want to listen, just
let me know, alright?"

Her smile fades to a look of consternation. "Why wouldn't I want to help you,
Kyon-kun?"

"Well ... did Haruhi look downcast to you today?"

"It would be hard to miss," Mikuru admits. "Why? Did you say something to
upset her?"

"No! Of course.... Well. Maybe? If I did, I don't know what it is, though."

She nods sympathetically.

"Anyway, um, Mikuru-chan, I'm trying to figure out how to ... eh ... ask
Haruhi ... to date me, I guess," I manage, my face heating up. I can't meet
her eyes when I say this; I am the lowest class of cowards.

I hear her take a deep breath and sigh. "Well, good," she says after a brief
pause. "I'm happy for you! And her, too.... But what did you need my help
with?"

A sidelong glance shows that Mikuru's smile has faded, and she's looking out
the window thoughtfully. "I don't know how to say it," I grumble. "I know that
I have to, but this is Haruhi we're talking about."

"Y...you don't _have_ to," Mikuru says hesitantly.

"Well, I know I have a real choice in the matter, but I feel I should." And
yeah, I do have those grudgingly admitted feelings for Haruhi. I won't voice
them in front of Mikuru like this, though; that would just be cruel.

"You lo.... You like her, right?" Mikuru asks abruptly, turning to peer into
my eyes.

"Eh.... Um, well...."

Mikuru shakes her head, smiling wistfully. "You don't need to try and hide it,
Kyon-kun. In that other world ... well. I remember. But you have to admit it
to yourself before you can admit it to her."

"Would ... coming out and admitting it to her really be for the best?" I
wonder. "Just like that? Wouldn't that be a bit sudden?"

"Don't be silly! You should know she already cares for you! That's why ... she
chose to believe that you saved her."

True enough. Haruhi could overpower me physically, if she were so inclined;
the idea that I could defeat Taniguchi, when he overpowered her, was an error
in logic. Yet, that's what she chose to believe. Or, as Koizumi told me once,
she chose to believe in _me_, and the explanation for it simply came into
place after....

That must be it. "You're right," I realize aloud. I still don't think I want
to say those words in front of Mikuru, but I can at least think them
truthfully: I care about Haruhi very deeply. I want to protect her, and I want
to be at her side. And when I remember that closed space, nearly a year ago
now, where I told her that I believed in this world, and wanted to stay a part
of it....

...I think my life would have become empty if she had gone on and somehow left
us behind.

"Even though the truth is I could never have done it without you, and Yuki-
chan, and Koizumi," I add.

Mikuru shakes her head, the wistful smile turning sadder. "I think you could
have," she says. "If you had to. Even I can admit that it was probably always
going to be you and her."

I ponder for a moment, then ask, "Is that ... knowledge you have from your
superiors?"

"That's classified," she tells me, her smile returning. It vanishes again
shortly. "Mostly, in that other world ... I was being selfish. I can try and
argue that it was because I was just trying to make Suzumiya happy, but that
wasn't true."

That hurts ... but not nearly as badly as I expected. Still, trying to be
sympathetic, it can't be easy for her to speak about this, either. Why did
Yuki-chan think this was going to be a good idea...?

"Hey, Kyon-kun, I think you'll be okay," she says encouragingly. "I believe in
you, after all!"

"Will you?" I ask worriedly. "Be okay, I mean?"

Her head shakes as she bows it. "That doesn't matter," she says softly.
"Someday I'll have to return to my own timeplane. Things will be different
there. That's why ... I say it was selfish of me."

It wounds my heart to acknowledge that. But it's true; Mikuru-chan will have
to go, some day ... she's only a visitor here. "Even if we don't.... That is,
even if what happened in that other world isn't 'real', I still treasure it,"
I tell her. "It may have been scary, and a near thing, but even if you think I
didn't care about you there, I'm grateful that I had you. And because of
that.... When you have to go, I will miss your friendship."

Mikuru smiles brightly, unshed tears in her eyes. "I'll treasure those
memories, too, Kyon-kun. But don't let it weigh on you. Even if we aren't
together, we _will_ always be friends, right?"

I nod, my own vision mysteriously wavering. I miss the blur of motion, so it
catches me by surprise when Mikuru darts her head forward and kisses me on the
cheek. "I ... should go before I do anything more selfish," she adds, bowing
apologetically before I can gather my wits. "Take care of yourself, Kyon-kun."

And then she leaves, and I spend an hour staring at the table, trying to
think.

Putting aside the overwhelming sense of euphoria that Mikuru left me with, I
still haven't actually gotten any advice on how to actually ask Haruhi out.
I'm sensing a recurring theme, and I don't think I want to bother asking
Koizumi.

Not that it'll stop him from telling me anyway.

* * *

I'm still a bit tired when I arrive at the train station. For some reason,
Haruhi is waiting for me, tapping one foot and frowning. "Good morning," I
mumble at her.

"Where were you yesterday?" she asks immediately, falling into step beside me.

"At school, then home," I answer, furrowing my brows. "I did hang back in the
club room for a while, though. Why do you ask?"

"I wanted to talk to you," she says, looking away and starting the hike up the
hill. "I waited here until I saw your friends show up! Kunikida and Yamada ...
ugh!"

"What's wrong with them?" I ask. I can't imagine Kunikida doing anything
outlandish. In fact, him managing to catch Haruhi's attention as anything
other than an extra body to use in one of her adventures is nothing short of
astounding.

Haruhi makes a disgusted noise. "Love is a mental illness," she snaps.

I've never liked that viewpoint. "Everyone gets sick on occasion," I tell her,
shrugging. "You told me that even you get 'those feelings', once."

"W...well," Haruhi mumbles, her energy abruptly stripped away.

She walks beside me pensively, and I try a new tack. "Hey, Haruhi, could I ask
you a question?"

"Huh? Of course!" she says quickly, shifting her shoulders and looking away
from my face. "What about?"

"I don't mean to bother you, but you never did tell me about that dream you
mentioned."

Even though her face is turned away, I can see her shoulders droop a little.
"Which one?" she asks.

There was more than one? Of course, the closed-space incident was so long
ago.... But maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she still remembers that.

After all, I do, too.

"When you were in the hospital," I say quietly.

"Some dream," she grumbles, turning her face forward and shaking her head.
"Half nightmare. It.... Ah, I don't want to talk about that."

"Alright," I say with a shrug. In all honesty, I may remember it better than
she did. Still, I had hoped for maybe some hints or suggestions on how to
proceed. Probably searching in vain ... I'm getting a feeling that I'm on my
own in this one. "What did you want to talk about, then?"

"About Himeji castle," she said with a frown, glancing across to me.

"You didn't seem interested in going yesterday," I say, frowning back
slightly. "Something wrong with it?"

"N...no, I just thought, um, it might be more effective if we only took the
Brigade Chief and the ghost story expert to investigate it," she mumbles. "But
I don't want everyone else to feel left out. I mean, Koizumi would probably
bore us all to tears with a cultural lecture, and Mikuru would probably start
to cry as soon as any mention of ghosts was brought up...." She shakes her
head vigorously. "No, it'd be a bad idea -- just the two of us should go, and
we shouldn't let the others know about it."

"Ah," I say, nodding. That sensation of an opportunity lost, again. If I just
sit idly by, without the courage to declare or ask anything of Haruhi, she's
probably going to get tired of me. And here she is, covertly setting up an
'investigation' with just the two of us?

I'll play along for now, though. She didn't mention Yuki-chan or any reason to
exclude her, so I won't bring it up either.

"What day were you thinking?"

"It's not too far," she said thoughtfully. "We could probably do it in a day
... but I want to make it an overnight trip."

In the back of my mind, this is because she really _does_ want to break into
the castle at night, to see if Okiku really says anything from the well. "Just
the two of us? Where would we stay?"

"Don't worry about it too much," she says quickly, "I'll have that covered."

This sounds more like her typical meddling. I'm not sure I want to know the
specifics ... even though I expect there will be hell to pay for it later.
"Okay. So, the weekend after this?"

She nods quickly. "Yeah, that'll work."

Then we say nothing else until we reach the top of the hill. In all truth,
these silences are becoming more comfortable than I had expected. I don't get
the impression that she's more upset or irritated, even if I think she has
been acting a bit moody lately. In any case, what could I do?

* * *

By the time lunch rolls around, Haruhi has gone back to her normal self enough
to run off ... wherever it is she always goes during lunch. Class is otherwise
without event, and when the club begins, Haruhi seems content to jot down some
notes from the internet, not letting anyone see the monitor. All-in-all, it
starts like a fairly average day in the club room, except that Mikuru's in her
uniform instead of the maid outfit.

Which is probably just as well, given our last discussion.

When Yuki-chan closes her book and Haruhi says, "Okay, don't forget, Yuki's
place tomorrow, and make sure you get enough sleep ahead of time!" that's the
end of it.

Other than one last, unreadable glance at me, she rushes out without a word.

It doesn't happen that often, usually, that Haruhi leaves the four of us in
the club alone. And most of the time when it does happen, it's because she's
planning something -- though, even then, she usually only goes out of her way
to hide things from me.

I stretch my arms and study the board between Koizumi and myself. "Your game,"
he decides, before we start cleaning up the game pieces.

Time to leave before he tries to corner me to give me advice.

"Oh, Kyon-kun," he asks, as I start to rise, "could I trouble you for a word?"

Like bad scenes in B-movies, it was inevitable.

"Yeah, sure," I say, sighing. Mikuru rushes out quickly, just pausing long
enough to collect the teacups. Yuki-chan walks out of the clubroom at a more
sedate pace, her footsteps silent.

I stretch my neck a few times and stifle a yawn. "So, what's going on?"

"Nothing horribly serious," he says, his ever-present smile in place. "But, as
I suggested, I asked ... certain people in the Agency for advice. I strongly
expect that at this point, even though it is my job to watch Suzumiya-san, you
know better. Even so, I can't help but feel I've been left out of the advice-
giving process, hmm?"

I blink at him a few times, considering the implications of this.
Interestingly, his Agency can give him information on who I've talked to, but
he has guessed wrong about what we actually spoke about. I guess that means
there's no recording devices hidden in the club room. For once, his blind spot
is a reassurance to me.

"I'm all ears," I tell him in a calm voice.

He seems a bit taken aback, but chuckles anyway. "Well, I just want to try and
help, Kyon-kun. This is Suzumiya-san, after all."

Can't begrudge him that, I suppose. "Speaking of that, how bad has closed
space actually been lately?"

"Only three instances the week after the incident," he says with a shrug.
"Your discussion a few days ago had us on edge, but nothing actually came of
it. Should I be aware of anything?"

"Probably," I say, throwing his own shrug back at him. And, hey, why not some
words, too? "This is Haruhi, after all."

"Touche," he says, bowing his head slightly. "In that case, given my esteem
for you ... Mori-san suggests that you speak from the heart."

Mori, Mori, Mori ... that name sounds familiar. Wait, the maid during the
island mystery adventure? She's a member of the Agency? Actually, that makes
sense. "Well, that sounds fine."

"Other than that, the best advice I heard was to be truthful."

"As truthful as I can," I mutter.

"That's wonderful," Koizumi says, nodding, his grin still perfectly in place.
"Now, if it's not too much to ask, what sort of timeframe did you have
planned?"

I stare at him, blink a few times, then shake my head. "This isn't the kind of
thing you rush, Koizumi. Well. Maybe it is. But it's not the kind of thing _I_
do."

He winces, hands raising, palms outward. "Fair point," he says, shaking his
head. "I apologize."

"Let's just assume it was your superiors who were demanding that answer," I
tell him, rising from my seat.

"I-"

"Let's just assume."

He actually looks embarrassed. "It's none of my business. The Agency.... Well.
I apologize again, Kyon-kun."

"Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow. Take care."

I leave, while he lowers his hands to the table and broods. I'm going to do
whatever it is that I do because I choose to, not because some Agency would
find it helpful to their causes.

* * *

Saturday's club activity is going to be in the late evening, so I actually
take Haruhi's instructions to heart and sleep in. Right up until the dreaded
little-sister-elbow-slam knocks the wind out of me, anyway. "Kyon-kun!" she
chirps, shattering any remaining dreams. "Breakfast is ready!"

"Go 'way," I mumble. Or something along those lines. It does me no good,
however, and shortly she's gleefully hauled me out of the bed, away from the
comforting warmth of the blankets....

When I finally climb to my feet so we can go brush our teeth, I remark,
"Today's not even a school day."

"So?" she asks, before snatching the toothpaste tube from my hands.

There's no reason to clarify the remark to her. But I'm awake, and shortly
thereafter we finish breakfast.

She immediately claims the downstairs television and starts playing one of her
puzzle games. For myself, I ponder what to do with the day.

More homework doesn't sound fun, even if I haven't finished it all.
Preparatory work for the storytelling tonight doesn't sound very interesting
either. I also realize that I've done nothing to counter the inevitable ghost
that will appear when Haruhi gets bored with the ritual. Then again, if it
haunts Yuki-chan's apartment....

...on second thought, there's probably not much to worry about. I should check
with her afterwards, though.

Still, this is time to reflect and plan. I should be responsible with my time.

And if I can't plan for talking with Haruhi, I should do the responsible thing
and finish my homework.

That thought in mind, I move to the couch and tap my sister's shoulder. "Hand
me the other controller."

I'm not the greatest fan of video games, but they're a great way to kill the
time. In almost no time at all, it seems, I stop because my phone is ringing.
A check of the display tells me who's calling -- Haruhi, of course. The sun's
still out, and it's several hours before we're supposed to be at Yuki-chan's,
though.

Still, she gets angry if I make her wait, so I flip open the phone. "Hello?"

"Kyon, come meet me at the train station by Yuki's place!"

"Why, I wonder?"

"Just hurry!"

Of course, she's already hung up.

Sighing, I get up and grab my overnight bag from my room before heading out.
"Hey," my little sister starts to protest, seeing that I'm going somewhere
without her.

Time to dash!

* * *

I ride my bike to the train station as quickly as I can, winded by the time I
screech to a halt and see Haruhi there, tapping a foot impatiently while
standing next to a sizable cardboard box. Out of her school uniform, Haruhi
tends towards more tomboyish clothing, though I have seen her wear dresses
from time to time. Today is a red skirt and a white blouse.

She raises an eyebrow when I sit there, probably making a fool out of myself.
Before she can yell at me, I unsling the bag from my back and ask, "What's in
the box?"

"Candles, of course. You're going to carry them."

There's quite an irony in her being stronger than me, but demanding I do all
her menial labor anyway. After a bit of fussing, I mostly balance the box on
the back of my bike's rack, and she produces some cords to tie it in place. I
briefly wonder if she had brought them specifically because she expected me to
bring my bike, or if she had some darker plan I wouldn't want to know about?

"I'm surprised you were awake," she remarks, once I'm pushing the bike along
and she's walking next to me, swinging her own overnight bag idly.

What's that supposed to mean? "Nice to see you, too."

She shoots me a sidelong glance, then smirks. "I want to get an early start,
so we don't miss our window of opportunity. But I also don't want to get too
many short stories and then need to wait for who knows how long to make sure
the timing is right."

"You want to finish between two and three in the morning, right?"

"Yeah ... you're the ghost story expert, though, so tell me, do you think it'd
ruin things if we did something else with our time between stories?"

Something else ... crap. I didn't remember to pack a single board game.
Typical. I'm sure Koizumi will have something; he always does. "Probably not,"
I answer. Of course, the entire mood will be destroyed if we take time out to
play games. Not that I particularly care. If she doesn't get into the mood for
trying to make a ghost appear, then hopefully we won't have to deal with it.
"I'm sure the important thing is the candles."

"Good," she says, seemingly reassured. "Once we drop our stuff off at Yuki's,
we can finish picking up the rest of the supplies for tonight."

Great, more wandering aimlessly. "What will we need?"

"Well, if we're all going to be using Yuki-chan's place, it only seems fair to
make dinner for everyone."

This logic never seems to apply to my home, Haruhi. Then again, Haruhi knows
that Yuki lives alone, and my mom is rather generous with things like tea and
snacks.

Or just doesn't trust us alone.

Ech, where did that thought come from?

"Makes sense," I say. So far, this is going pretty well. Haruhi hasn't
snapped, yelled, or gotten noticeably disappointed with me yet.

I wonder how long it'll last. Anyway, it won't do to let Haruhi see that I
know how to use the intercom system and call Yuki's room, so while she tries
to beat compliance out of the console, I chain my bike up and untie the box of
candles. By the time I'm finished, hauling the heavy box to the doorway, Yuki-
chan has just entered the command to open the door.

Shortly, Haruhi and I are shoulder-to-shoulder in the elevator, and then
walking to the entrance to Yuki-chan's apartment. Yuki-chan wordlessly opens
the door and lets us in after Haruhi knocks. "So," Haruhi says by way of
greeting, looking around, "this is your place?"

The only furniture in the room is the kotatsu. There are no decorations on any
of the walls, except for the winter curtain hung over the large window. "Yes,"
Yuki-chan answers.

"Sorry about being early," I tell the quiet girl. I'm guessing Haruhi didn't
bother to say we were coming early....

"No problem."

After I set down the box, Haruhi shakes her head a few times. "Well, okay,"
she finally decides. "Hey, Yuki, you don't mind if we use your kitchen, do
you?"

"I don't mind."

"Then it's decided! Oh, but, since you're hosting, what are you in the mood
for?"

Yuki-chan blinks once, then answers, "Curry."

Haruhi looks annoyed. "That's so generic!" She looks about ready to start
another tirade, then thinks better of it. "Hmm, maybe that won't be too bad
... we'll just make a bunch of side dishes!"

"You're going to make a huge mess in her kitchen?" I ask.

"It's no problem! You're not cooking, so you can clean up after us!"

"As long as you don't burn anything, it won't be as bad as washing the dishes
after my little sister," I grumble. Though, mom made breakfast today, which
was a nice escape.

"Right! Okay, Kyon, let's go to the market."

And like that, I'm dragged along with Haruhi. She's much more animated,
talking excitedly about the different things she can make until we leave the
lobby of Yuki-chan's apartment, but honestly, even though I like her, I just
tune it out. Haruhi in excited mode is ... well, Haruhi, I guess. Sometimes
it's nice to just follow in her wake and see what happens.

Anyway, she breaks off whatever she was saying to me to call Mikuru and find
out what side dishes she wants to make.

I can imagine Mikuru struggling to answer something that's appropriate, and
Haruhi yelling that it's boring, and then immediately replacing it. But
instead, Haruhi seems pleased with what she hears and agrees to pick up some
ingredients for her. After Mikuru, she calls Koizumi.

Then she seems satisfied, having gathered everyone's opinion except for mine.
She's in a good mood. I should be careful not to ruin it.

"There's a market just around the corner," she tells me, pointing down the
street. I remember it ... that's where we encountered Yuki-chan returning with
her dinner the day that Haruhi tried investigating Asakura Ryouko's
disappearance.

There's a person I hadn't thought of in a while. I had Ryouko, and Yuki-chan
saved me. And Haruhi had Taniguchi ... and believes I saved her.

"Oh," she says, almost as an afterthought, glancing at my face and then
looking away, "well, I guess since I forgot to ask what you wanted, I'll let
you choose what we have for desert."

I raise an eyebrow and blink at her. Hmm, what does she like, anyway?

* * *

I'll spare you a minute-by-minute account of everything that happened in Yuki-
chan's apartment once everyone gathered. It was relatively straightforward --
Haruhi, Yuki-chan, and Mikuru cooked dinner for everyone. Afterwards, Koizumi
and I did the dishes while the girls changed into their pajamas, then Koizumi
and I changed -- separately, thank you very much. After that, we played games
until late in the evening before setting up the candles.

We were arrayed around the table with Haruhi and Yuki-chan sharing one side,
me on the side by Haruhi, Mikuru opposite me, and Koizumi opposite Haruhi and
Yuki-chan. The candles had been placed in a big circle around us, with the
bulk of them on the table. I'm not sure where Haruhi found candles that would
burn long enough, but somehow she had.

Note, these candles are heavy when you have one hundred of them in a box.

At any rate, despite my predictions, Mikuru actually held up pretty well, only
cowering through the first thirty or so ghost stories. She fell asleep first,
and Haruhi waved it off. At story seventy five, Koizumi finally succumbed to
slumber. Haruhi shook him awake for another story or two before he slipped
back into sleep again.

I wanted to sleep, too. At exactly one in the morning, Yuki-chan abruptly lay
down and either slept, or pretended to sleep. I couldn't tell, but Haruhi just
sighed and shook her head. Eight stories to go.

Rubbing at my eyes, I take the next book from the stack. "These candles aren't
enough to read by anymore," I mutter.

"And everyone else is asleep anyway," Haruhi sighs.

I look up at her face, soft and glowing golden in the candle-light. "Tired?"

"Not really," she says, shaking her head. "Well. A little. But that's okay, we
had fun, right?"

Haruhi ... giving up? Well, giving up on my idea, not hers. Then again, it
_was_ actually pretty fun.... Trying to out-spooky Koizumi was a futile task,
but with Mikuru asleep, it was worth a shot. Some attempts ended up being just
plain silly, but then again, maybe I'll get out of this without having to deal
with a ghost after all.

"Yeah," I answer her. "You sure you don't want to finish? We can come up with
just eight by ourselves, even without the books, right?"

"It's fine," she says. "We'll wake them up."

I may have suggested that when Haruhi looks angry, she's occasionally cute. I
may also have said that Haruhi looks defeated and vulnerable, she's enticing
in her own way and tugs at my heartstrings. But watching her look down at the
sleeping brigade members with that soft smile, I have to say this in all
honesty:

Haruhi is never as lovely as when she shows concern for her friends. Her smile
is softer, affectionate; there's a hidden warmth in her eyes she almost never
reveals, and even without the candles I believe she faintly glows. While I
think that, she climbs up from her seat at the table, careful not to disturb
Yuki-chan, and grabs blankets and pillows from the pile in the corner. After
that she covers Yuki-chan and Mikuru, gently lifting their heads to place them
on pillows. She even gives Yuki a warm, sisterly pat on the head.

That done, she tosses a blanket half across Koizumi, then grabs two more
before blowing out the candles. "Come on," she whispers, tugging me after her.

"Where?" I manage, before I realize she's headed to the door.

"The roof!" she says quietly. She gives me an annoyed look when I stop to put
on my jacket, because I'm not exactly thrilled about the idea of climbing to
the roof of the building in just my pajamas. But this is Haruhi -- you try
telling her 'no'.

I dare you. I'll even wait.

I thought so.

Obviously enough, we make it to the roof, and at this hour no one is around to
see us, though we're in such a rush I didn't even have time to close my jacket
properly. A break in the clouds shows the sliver of the moon, but everything
is lit with the silvery glow of the city lights, reflected back from the cloud
cover anyway. She shivers slightly, then wraps her blanket around herself.
Staring off into the sky, where the stars are all hidden, she asks me quietly,
"Hey, Kyon?"

"Hmm?" I wrap my blanket around myself as well, trying not to think about how
cold my ankles are.

"What ... do you think of me?"

That's direct. I stare at her for a long minute, not able to form a solid
answer. Even before she asked me that question -- months ago, in fact -- I
tried answering that question to myself. Well, not quite exactly that
question. But what is Haruhi to me? What answer does she want to hear? What's
the truth?

At this point, I'm so confused, I'm not even truly sure.

She turns to look at me, and the universal silver glow from the clouds
reflects from her eyes. "You can't answer, can you?" she asks me dully. "Geez
... I ... never mind." She turns away and bows her head. The cover overhead
drifts across the tiny sliver of moon, and a chill breeze rises.

"I'm terrified," I finally answer her, revealing the truth in a sudden
epiphany. She flinches, hunching in on herself.

"I.... Is that ... so?" she asks, her voice stiff.

"I'm terrified that I'll mess things up," I force out. "That I'll answer your
questions wrong, say the wrong thing.... That I'll finally annoy you so much
that you lose interest in me. That...." I sigh, shaking my head. "I don't know
what to say. I never have."

She turns back to me slowly, eyes downcast. "Am I so difficult?"

"That's not the word," I disagree. She shivers, raising her face to look
directly at me. "I mean ... no, you can be. But that's not the problem. If you
weren't the way you were, you wouldn't be you."

"So, there's a problem, then? That's what you're saying?" Her eyes shift to
one side, glimmering in the strange half-light of Nishomiya's skyline. "I
guess I'm too strange after all...."

And just like that. The wrong words. I should have put money on not being able
to say things right. "Maybe it's just that I'm a coward," I admit, dropping my
gaze to the rooftop below us. A stray flake of snow drifts down. "I know
you're interested in ... other things, and humans are boring. And I'm just a
normal human, after all. So...."

"Y...you idiot," she grumbles. "You already asked me once, you know? I told
you, I'd ... give anyone a chance."

"And then you asked me if I was an alien, or an esper," I counter, smirking.

"Didn't think you'd remember that so well," she admits with a smile, shivering
again.

"Hey, it's really cold out here -- we should go back inside."

"I don't want to," she says, her eyes still looking away. "Not yet."

I've stumbled this far, somehow. And all of it is stumbling, blind guessing,
and having no real plan. A glance to the side shows more snow coming down.
What, is Haruhi going to stay out here and freeze if I don't manage to confess
to her? Fine, I'll seize the initiative.

I toss my blanket down against the wall of the stairwell housing, then grab
Haruhi's hand. She protests, but doesn't resist (or overpower me, which she
easily could) as I make her sit down on my blanket, and we share hers and my
jacket. "What's all this about?" she asks, her face turned away.

"Didn't you say it was my job to protect you?"

"Yeah.... But I want you to be honest, Kyon." She shifts slightly next to me.
"Tell me the truth. You ... like Mikuru, don't you?"

"What? Where did this come from!?" Not the question I expected once I managed
to finally get us into....

"You asked about my dream, when I was ... in a coma," she mumbles. "And in my
dream, it was all about ... you being in love with Mikuru. You didn't have any
room in your heart for me."

I put one arm around her shoulders, and she shifts a bit more, suddenly
nervous. "If I hadn't met you, I might be able to fall in love with Mikuru," I
answer. "But I did meet you."

She looks at me sharply, then away. "So...."

"I'm not in love with Mikuru," I say, picking my words carefully. I do love
Mikuru; it's hard not to. She's beautiful, and I feel an uncontrollable desire
to protect her when she's in danger. What I feel for Haruhi, though....

"Anyway," I continue after a moment of thought, "despite all of that, and as
much as it scares me ... I want you to know something."

"What's that?" she breathes.

"I can't imagine a world without you in it," I tell her. "I don't mean the SOS
Brigade without a president. I'd miss everyone if they went away, but I'd
live, if the girl who sits behind me in class is still there to be so cheerful
and curious."

She bows her head, a shiver or shudder passing through her. A sound like a
hysterical sob escapes her. Before I can try and apologize, or understand what
I've done wrong, she shifts to lean against me, curled beneath the blanket
with her head nestled against my chest. The chill of the air around us seems
somehow distant, even in the lightly drifting snow thanks to our shared
warmth.

"I don't understand you," she mumbles. "I try my hardest, but even if you call
yourself a normal person.... I don't know. Somehow, ever since I met you,
you've been there for me. When I was despairing the dumb clubs in our school,
you gave me the idea to make things better. When I got depressed, I even
_dreamed_ about you. On the island ... you were the one that solved the
mystery for me. You saved me from Taniguchi, and in m...my coma, you were the
one who showed me the way out.

"And then, after all that, you just sit on the sidelines and make snarky
comments ... and I wonder if you even care."

"I do," I tell her earnestly, hugging her tightly to myself, unable to deny
the surges of relief that flow through me; it's good to finally be this close.
Suddenly, I'm not at all jealous of Kunikida's boring, stable romance as it
buds.

She sniffles again, pinpricks of warm moisture seeping into my pajama top.

"Ah ... don't cry, Haruhi!" I protest, my moment of singular clarity and joy
shattered with that sudden certainty I've managed to botch things again. Even
the image of Koizumi waking up downstairs in a panic to deal with closed space
doesn't comfort me. I have nothing clever to say about how bad I feel right
now. Suffice to say it is very lousy indeed. "Please, no matter what happens,
I always want to be there for you! I don't know what a boring, normal person
like me can do for you, but I'll do whatever I can -- no, whatever it takes!"

"You idiot," she whispers, though her voice sounds light even with her tears.
"I don't want that. I want the Kyon that's aloof and confident; the one that
isn't swept away when I am. The anchor that pulls me back to the earth when I
go too far. Even I can admit I get carried away...."

The relief returns, but this mood-whiplash is going to tear me to pieces.

"E...even so," I say, stumbling over my words a bit, "I want to be more than
that to you. Even if I am terrified of upsetting you."

"I'll tell you a secret," she says, her voice muffled slightly as she turns
her face into my chest, though she's stopped crying. I pull the blanket around
us more tightly. "I told you once that I don't always have so much confidence
in my abilities...." If only you knew, Haruhi. If only you knew....

But Haruhi's sudden overwhelmingly cute vulnerability here has catalyzed some
reaction within me. I can't say anything silly or try my usual dismissive
deadpan humor here. "I can't imagine why," I tell her, one hand rising to
smooth her hair down as another chill breeze swings past, bearing more shining
snowflakes around the rooftop.

"You're braver than I am," she mumbles. "I couldn't admit how scared I was of
saying the thing that finally made you mad enough to really walk away forever
... not without hearing it from you first." She giggles then, pushing away
from me a tiny bit to peer up at me, her eyes shining in the dimness of the
hour.

I smile down at her. "I'm not sure how admitting I'm scared makes me brave,
but if it lets me stay with you, then I'm happy anyway."

"Stupid Kyon," she murmurs, her smile widening as her eyes drift shut, and her
lips purse slightly.

I steel myself, and my own eyes drift shut as I place a tender kiss on her
lips. The contact is soft and warm; her mouth tastes sweet, and a tingle of
something like electricity surges between us. She finally breaks the kiss, her
shadowed face even darker with (I think) a blush. My own face is warm,
probably glowing like a space-heater in the late-night snowfall.

She squirms around a bit, sitting in my lap and leaning her head into my
shoulder. "Aren't you supposed to ask me out?" she finally says, her voice
teasing.

"I'm pretty sure we have the order of things all mixed up," I answer her. "And
I could never think of a way to ask you out that was special enough for you.
So, I figure I'll just pretend to be oblivious until you set things in
motion." I give a falsely confident judicial nod at that. "That way I can
never get in trouble for doing it wrong."

She giggles, then expands into peals of real laughter at that. "You're so
stupid!" she says, when she finally calms down. "But, if you're really telling
the truth about always being there for me, fine. I'll lead."

"You always have."

"Hmm, what's with that attitude? Talking back to your brigade chief like
that-"

"What brigade chief?" I ask. "This is just the two of us. I don't want to
change the way we are in the club ... don't you think that would make everyone
else feel awkward? I'm sure they'll see it anyway, but we can at least be
polite."

I will note I'm not blind here; Haruhi is offering to change how she treats me
in the brigade. But changing the dynamic that much, so quickly.... I'm
partially afraid of the risks, and partially, well, I just don't want to see
Haruhi try and change herself that much for me. I care about Haruhi, and maybe
it would be nice to see her calm down a little, but she's been doing that on
her own at a good pace. I don't see any reason to try and make her pretend to
be someone else in the meantime.

"Hmm," she muses, pushing away from me to stare into my eyes, one fingertip
rising to trace the line of my smirk. A shiver runs up my spine when she does
that, and it's not from fear. "That's silly. But kind of romantic ... and
maybe it'll be fun. But I wanted to give you a penalty!"

"Yeah, I thought so."

"Humph! I thought I was supposed to be leading?"

"You are! I'm just anchoring you in place. What would happen to the club if we
were just using it as an excuse to.... Er.... Well, anyway."

"Hehe," she giggles, leaning back into me again. "Okay, fine. But since I'm in
charge, you have to ask me out now."

"Hmm," I muse, picking up the clues she's left scattered for me across the
week. "Well, I guess ... I could ditch my brigade chief next Saturday, and we
could run off to Himeji ... maybe see the castle? How about that? We can make
a date of it."

"What?" she protests, giggling again. "How is that romantic?"

"I'm daring to defy the leader of the SOS Brigade for you! That's about as
brave as it gets."

"Well, that's probably true."

She sighs happily and leans against me. Her soft, warm weight is enough to
distract me from the slowly building discomfort in my ankles and hips, but not
block out my awareness. As romantic as this all feels, it's still a rooftop in
winter.

"Hey," she whispers. Then she says my name -- not my nickname -- my real name,
and adds, "tell me how you really feel, okay? I don't want to think you're
just doing this because you're such a nice guy...."

"What?" I protest with mock outrage, screwing up my courage and pushing her
slightly away so I can see her eyes. In truth, my heart is racing; I've come
to accept it, but I do not like my nickname. I had long ago thought she'd
forgotten what my name was. That she remembered, and kept it hidden this
long.... "Telling me you'll lead, then demanding I go first? Well, fine! If
you don't understand what being the center of my universe means, then face my
ultimate declaration of truth!"

Even in this dim glow, I can see her eyes widen, her pupils shrink; feel her
tremble slightly in my grasp. I feign nothing with this; I feel no regrets for
lost futures: "Suzumiya Haruhi! I'm calling you out and telling you directly
and in person! I cannot imagine a world without you in it. I love you."

Her face flushes crimson again. "W...well, I love you too, so shut up and kiss
me!"

Anyway, the rest of that early morning is none of your business.

* * *

Author's notes: Went through a few drafts of that final scene. Not perfect,
but I think it mostly works.