So. No one will answer my question.

Vexing.

But then, life is like that.

So today was nothing more than an ordeal of frustration.

Maybe I'm not cut out to work? There's a cop-out.

Still, it seems to me that the ideal job is either something you enjoy (at least a little bit), or something which allows you do something you enjoy.

I've come to the conclusion that I cannot stand customer service anymore. The truth of the matter is, I can't take speaking with vapid customers who are wasting money on something they don't need (and lying to their employees about in the process).l I can't handle marketing/sales people. It's so easy to be a salesperson, though.

They call people, tell them the product's great, say the latest feature which is just now in beta-testing is actually solid, and perfected, etc. Build up the customer's expectations -- whatever it takes to make the sale. Once that's done, your obligation is over, turn them over to the support crew, and ignore your phone when it rings. Don't talk to anyone who you've already gotten money from (unless you think you can get more). And then, when your support crew is drowning under the fury of customers denied, call up the support people and say, "Hey, I need you to call this customer to show them feature X."

After a grueling day of phone calls with ignorant (when not outright hostile) customers, I just feel so much anger, so much frustration. I'm tired of repeating myself. Of not being able to just teach a thing, and have it be taught. I understand that, hey, I work with the technology every day, so it seems natural to me. I understand that someone who's never seen it before can be daunted, and will need help.

But if I'm going to be doing something so pointlessly empty and unfulfilling, I'd rather be doing manual labor; at least then I could converse with a co- worker, and do something with my mind more constructive than try and focus on the customer. And it's an effort to focus these days, because I really, honestly, just don't care. The love is gone, the honeymoon is over, and I am sick of dealing with it. I'm tired. I'm not having any fun repeating myself. I want to go back to school.

I want to learn, I want to be educated, I want to get a job that allows me to do something where I can work with people who, after I teach them a thing, are taught it, so I don't need to constantly repeat myself, and explain the simplest things in minute detail. A job where I can, if the concept is too confusing for a coleague, just do it myself until we have time to teach them better. A job where I don't need to listen to the continual and mind-numbing voice of the eternally confused customer.

But that's just one half of the issue.

Management. Our company is poorly managed. I can understand why, though. This is the year that if the company can't turn a profit, it (as far as I can tell), goes under. Backing is revoked, funding is nill, and our jobs are gone (I long for that day; that day when I can collect an unemployment check and become a full-time student). Therefore, the company is dedicated to turning a profit, because if they don't, well, they go under.

They break no laws. They violate no moral or ethical codes (outside of the salespeople promising we can make good on things easily that in fact require straining on our part).

But they plan so poorly. Our customer base expands faster than we can reasonably be expected to handle it. Demand outstrips our ability to produce results.

And most damaging, I imagine, we have competitors that offer superior products.

I don't believe that (barring some miracle) the company will survive the year. I know, logically, I should just wait it out. Be patient. Work until they go under, then collect my EDD money and begin working on something productive -- a diploma.

...but at the same time, it's so hard.

Because, there's my personal manager, too.

He's tough. A hockey coach. Ex-mil. A gamer. Someone who thinks he identifies with me.

He doesn't.

He continually uses the phrase, "what have you," which is irrelevant, yet vexing to me. Continually. Anyway.

He gives us needless, long, nigh excruciating pep-talks about how the company is "going places", and it's our decision to "ride that train"/"get on that bus"/"stick it out"/"be there when it happens".

He tells us (often) the story of his own hireing, and how he was originally a temp (contractor) -- just like us -- before he got to be the manager.

I am currently the one person at that company entirely responsible for shipping and recieving, as well as a number of other inconsequential duties. But he always tells me that he used to do everything (everything) himself. It's like he has to rub in how poor we are as replacements for him.

We had a discussion, once, whereupon he told me that it was his job ("just like in the military") to find out what my breaking point was, how much I could take, and to then push me farther. I told him (to his face) that I'd rather he didn't take that approach, and just fire me. Right there. He refused, and said he would just keep pushing me. Because this company was going places.

After all of that, he explained how he felt I was incompetant, and couldn't be trusted with the tasks I had been assigned. But I was going to keep doing them (and more) anyway. I don't think he understands how much that hurt me. He thinks that I'm still fine and happy, and he fixed it, and that he's a great manager.

I don't think he's going to be happy when he finds out the truth of the matter.

But it gets worse. He's sworn at me. Talked down to all of us. Told us to (illegally) work through our lunches to get something done, and then he offered to, "buy you guys a pizza, which you don't even deserve."

When I confronted him on swearing at me, he said, "You have to learn to take that."

When a customer swore at me, I hung up on him. I warned him, "if you continue to swear at me, I will terminate this phone call." His reply was a nearly incomprehensible screech of, "You can't fucking hang up on me!" So I hung up on him.

He called back. He demanded to speak to my supervisor, who was not at that point in. I told the customer this, and he swore at me again.

I hung up on him again.

After this, my co-worker decided to take all that swearing and try to deal with the customer, which degenerated into a shouting match, and a voice-mail left with the company president.

End result: new policy from the manager.

"From now on, when a customer is abusive, or rude, or annoying--"

"I refuse to be a customer's emotional punching bag," I interrupt, jarring the morning meeting. "I'm going to try and help a customer, but I'm not paid to let him swear at me. If he swears, I'll warn him that if he doesn't calm down, I'm hanging up. If he keeps swearing, I'll do it."

"Okay, yeah, and that's fine," the manager says. "But what I'm saying is, if they act like that towards you, just take it."

And afterwards, another new policy:

"Don't commiserate with your co-workers."

So when we get a bad customer, or sworn out, and we "take it", as we're ordered to, we can't talk about it. This is VERBOTEN.

We're getting some new employees soon.

The standing orders are to, "put on your best face. Don't let them see how bitter and jaded you've become. You gotta act relaxed, natural, and let the new guys try and fit in, and feel comfortable.

I want to cry.

I look at how much I hate my job, and I ask myself, "Is this it? Am I just so weak willed and lazy I can't even handle working a normal job like everyone else? What's wrong with me that I handle this so poorly?"

I feel rage at my inability to deal with this as happily as it seems everyone else can.

I feel great depression that I've finally got something good, a job, and I don't want to keep it. But obviously, I need to, as without it, I can't pay for rent, or any of life's other neccessities.

I hate my job.

Why am I so bad at dealing with life?

DRAHMA.

I love being regarded as property when my friends squabble.

Especially when both friends are displaying pigheaded attitudes and being generally xenephobic.

Online communities are kinda funky. But it's always ridiculous when people are this juvenile.

Speaking of which, my search for the Foe draws closer to a successful conclusion to the hunt. Or nothing.

We shall see.

And then....

DRAHMA.

And just over a week has passed.

My mom called me last night, to make sure I was visiting her on Friday, like I'm always supposed to. Sometimes I don't, though.

I called her to say yes, and then she broke down and asked me if I thought she was a good mother.

We had a conversation about the worst of our various lives, and I told her that she's the best mother I've got (and I actually have several to choose from).

Also, very tired. Fell and slammed my knee into the ground on the way from home to work in the driving rain. Wheee. Just a bruise, though, so I ought not complain.

And I like the rain.

Lots of sleep tonight. Sleep is good.

I got a new phone. A while ago. Just forgot to mention it.

It's okay. It plays techno when I get a call. That's kinda cool.

I went to a concert on Friday. It was loud.

I don't expect I'll go to another concert again, unless it's outdoors, and even then, I have doubts. All of the sound just melded into a wall of solid sound I couldn't decipher.

Original Joes is pricey. But they let you walk in wearing pretty much street clothes, so it's not all bad.

My bed is, I think, too small for two people.

And perhaps, my life is, too.

Hmm.

This is not a happy thought.

I feel tension.

Relief.

I'm adrift on a sea of emotion.

It feels, as tired as I am, that I am approaching ... SOMETHING. I don't know what it is yet.

But I know I've been looking for it for a while. I draw closer and closer to what I'm seeking.

I think, perhaps, just maybe, that I've learned faith.

And I think I'm ready for what may happen next.