You know. I never thought I'd get to the day where cutting out after only 8 hours of work because I was sick to my stomach and nearly passed out. And I really never thought I'd feel like I was such a slacker for it.

Where'd this work ethic thing come from?

I talk too much. Way, way too much, and I finally figured out why.

I spend the entire day talking on the phone, but while I'm speaking, I feel like I'm not expressing myself. I'm not really speaking for me, I'm doing it for other people.

So when I have a chance to talk with friends, I don't shut up and listen, I just keep going on and blathering in a mad rush to scream, "I'm a real person beyond that tech support guy!"

That was anti-clamactic.

Alrighty.

So lately I've been struggling with moral issues and such. I'm on this trip where I've learned that I know nothing. Admitting that is frightening, because the world is a big place, and knowing that you don't know more than a fraction of what's going on in it is (really) somewhat daunting.

I mean, there could be unspeakable horrors lurking around the corner. WHO KNOWS?

This seems over-blown, but it breaks down like this:

There's a massive load of philisophical issues I've been trying to juggle in my head. I am, at heart, a lazy person who just wants to be happy. But I'm also greedy, so once I get what I want, I want more.

Aside from the duplicity, the attention whoring (hi!), and everything else in my life....

What it all amounts to is my belief that I am a bad person. This is realized from my actions, which hurt people. Hurting other people for your own gain is (in my opinion) bad.

Now, it's been some time since I've intentionally manipulated people, caused people to have bad experiences, and generally made trouble for people.

So I don't ACT bad.

But does this make me good?

My initial philosophy was that if I acted good, I would be good. But really, that's shallow, and simple, and stupid, and it's just not that easy.

So I took up taoism and studied, and learned, and questioned, and realized ... nope, I was right the first time. It really is that easy.

Except it isn't.

Knowing what to do and doing it are very different.

But I am digressing. This is about why I am a bad person.

I tracked it down. At the core, I want to be happy. Which is, I think, what we all want. Whatever it takes to make us really happy, it what we want. Usually the things we want to make us happy are just that. Things.

Now, Zen says that this desire is what denies us the ability to achieve our goals. Our desires distract us from the fact that all we need to be happy is to want to be happy.

Of course, we can't all sit in the Lotus position all day long and contemplate our navels.

Tao (pretty much) says, "Don't worry about it. Do what you do, and just enjoy life in a way that allows others to do the same."

And this I like a bit better, but I see that there is still some truth in the philosophy of Zen.

The long and short of it is to make ourselves happy not by simply saying, "I'm happy," without having anything, because that's hard. The trick is to learn to be happy.

I struggled for months of being crushed under an inability to withstand my job. I hated it. And I wished, and wished, and wished, that I could just be a person with enough of a work ethic to find the job itself rewarding.

And now that I'm actually working hard enough to feel tired from it ... really bone tired ... I'm finding I like it. I have actually made myself able to be happy with what I have.

Of course, it doesn't stop here. This is only a stop on the path. The way is to capture that happiness, and learn to take it with me. And then ... then I will truly be alive.

I feel content.

And I like it.

I'm fucking beat.

I had a massive diatribe prepared. Assume I delivered it and it rocked your world.

Actual content to come at some point in the future. x_x

It's rare that we get snapshots of when we were truly happy.

My wants used to be so much simpler.

Some cereal that maybe if we were lucky had sugar in it.

Good cartoons.

No school that day.

Possibly video games.

But that was it.

Why do we become so complex, and stop letting the simple good things in life make us happy?

Still. Remembering when I was really happy makes me think I'll learn to be happy again all the time, instead of in fits and bursts.

I just need to relax my temper, and be positive. And if I can't be positive, act positive anyway, until I am more positive.

Hmm. I feel better already.

Hmmm.

The vacation was interesting. Not everything went as planned, though. Unfortunately.

I did get to go to "the largest bookstore in the US". They gave me a map. It was kind of neat.

The con was largely a bust (talk about a lack of crowd control).

Recent events at work have been stressful (they gave me a schedule that doesn't give me time for anything except work). They also made me salaried, so my overtime does nothing for me.

Damnit.

Out of stress meds.

Hrm.

Must be calm. Think happy thoughts.

I got to play around in the WoW stress-test. That was really awesome. I can't wait for it to come out. Aaaanyway. Time to sleep before my new 50 hour work- week begins. With conveniently scheduled "you can no longer run your game with your friends!" timing.

Le sigh.