I hate being made to stay up late. I hate not being able to use my own computer because someone else's can't run Neverwinter Nights as well.

But after waiting for four goddamned hours to use it, having someone else give access to my system to someone I did NOT say could use it?

I'm pissed. Now it's 1:00 AM, someone who I never said it was okay to touch my system is using it to play a game on my system ... yeah. Glad I've got my laptop, but it can't handle my homework, and none of my files are on it.

Attention world: I am an asshole.

So, when I was sixteen years old, I remember being kicked out.

But this did not apparently happen. My mom says I made a choice to be kicked out. I honestly don't recall this, but it's most likely this the truth. I do know there was a deal going on after I dropped out of highschool where I had to either work, or go to school. Trouble is, I remember having a job and going to school.

I'm not sure. I honestly just can't trust my memory anymore. I thought things happened that didn't, and apparently ... I was just a miserable failure as a kid. I can accept that, even if I can't remember it.

Fuck it. I can OWN it. I can rise above it and overcome it.

My mother may never speak to me again, but that's just another reason to try and become a better person anyway.

But man.

This kinda hurts.

Goddamn.

Again.

I have class in HOURS. I am still not allowed to go to sleep. I comment at 1:00 AM, "So, Peter, are you worried about your classes at all? What time are you going in in the morning? My first class is at 9:00, so I want to be up at 7:00."

But....

Peter and Friend do not stop playing their game.

I tried being a bit more overt, and at around 2:00 AM it was agreed that Ryan and Peter would wind down their gaming. It's now 3:30 AM.

I am still waiting. Because they LEFT. And then came BACK. To EAT.

I think murder may be justified if this keeps up.

I hate my life.

I'm supposed to start school on Monday, but I know I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail because I'm staying up until between 4 and 8 AM every damned day.

Why do I do it?

Because I'm sleeping in a friend's living room. And he likes to play video games on his computer all the time.

I realize that this is charity, and I shouldn't be upset -- being homeless otherwise.

But I need certain things to live, and since I don't have my own room, I'm going to have to get some goddamned way to get the fucking privelage to sleep at reasonable hours, or for at least more than three or four a single goddamned fucking day. I HATE THIS!

Why does Peter tell me I can say when I want to go to sleep if he continually ignores my reminders about some of us having school and trying to get reasonable schedules? Why does he invite people over SPECIFICALLY TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES AFTER ONE AM?

Oh, fuck it.

Who am I kidding? I'm overstepping my welcome here and he's just trying to be subtle.

So ... I'm going to guess that I'm pretty much going to vanish off the internet for a good long while again. I'm looking into homeless shelters and programs for no-income students -- that kind of thing. Fuck.

I miss sleep!

Kristen died in October. She ODed on Methadone.

I just found out today. Janna, Kristen's mother, only just recently managed to tell my mother. Kristen is survived by her daughter Brenna, who is 7 months old now.

Kristen was a childhood friend.

Damnit.